Entangled poetry of the humdrum

Do you want to know?

2008-06-21T23:57:00.001+02:00

Do you really want to know?

Yes, I'm back.

Now, fuck off! =)

Feel.Shout.Dream.Live

2008-03-23T16:33:00.003+01:00

I'm happy. I finally was able to understand myself. As a mother, as a woman, and especially, as a person.

I grew up in a world where people would expect so much from me. If something went wrong with my life, I would be judged and sentenced to death. Literally. I was once given the warning of being killed if I would make a drastic decision. Even if I just dared to speak up about it my daughter and I will be killed. I am NOT kidding, that was a real threat from someone close to me!

It is hard to grow up knowing that you always have to prove yourself to others, especially to those people that are close to you, or strangely, even related to you. Isn't family supposed to accept you for who you are? Just a question I'm pondering about.

And in this moment of my life, I am struggling to break free from whatever limitations was given to me in being the person that I really am. I finally found myself, and I know I could do so much more with my life.

They say that at one point in your life you will just lose it, go to a crisis that becomes unbearable even to live. But I now stand and I can still shout "Yes!" to love, to life, to eternity.

Lastly, there are some things I learned during my stay here:

1. I don't need to explain myself to anybody, my friends don't need it, and of course my enemies won't believe it anyway, so why bother?

2. I'd rather be hated for what I really am than be loved for what I am not.

For those who are wondering what's happening, you will find out soon. For those who don't care, the better.

Now I can truly be me. And yes, I am HAPPY.

Forsaken children of men (or monkey?)

2007-11-19T09:16:00.000+01:00

Why on earth would you read my blog, have interest in my life, and say you understand what I have gone through or what I really feel? Didn't I tell you that I want you out of my life? FOREVER? Please spare me the bullcrap.

Now I really don't like fighting. Not with you, not with anyone else. But please will you just forget we know each other and live our life the way we should?

I don't usually get mad. It's hard for me to really hate someone. I have to say that I am a very peaceful person. But I don't like rascals. I don't like people saying shit about others. I already had the security againts defeat and it lies in my hands, now I just want to be left alone. I don't want your compassion, your understanding, and mostly, your friendship.

What I write in my blog are my thoughts, my experiences and what I feel. If you want to read it, I can't stop you. But spare to make comments on people you don't know. And spare the judgement. I don't care.

But thanks for the time. You just proved to me what you've been proving all these years, to be a goddamn hypocrite. I'd rather be a sinner than someone like you.

YOU

2007-11-09T04:23:00.000+01:00

Losing you would be like losing my breath, knowing that my heart won't beat anymore.

As I close my eyes I see you. In the car, on the street, holding your drink, laughing with me...

Your eyes fixed on me, a chill down my spine. I remember the days when we used to talk about anything under the sun. It never felt so right. It was hard for me to babble and I felt bashful like a child.

You are a desire that was never wished for, looked for, but nevertheless, wanted from my soul. Every moment without you seem lost to me, you make me feel wanted.

Forgetting won't help, and there is no other remedy to love but to love more. It is beautiful to be loved, but even more beautiful to love you. After all there is hope.

I will find your smile among the people, and the moment you press your lips against mine I will know that it is worth waiting a thousand years for.

You and only you can make me feel this way. Only you can make me feel like I'm immortal in love.

hypothetical evolutionary psyche

2007-11-08T07:21:00.000+01:00

"You know when our parents say that life is hard, that is an understatement." - Alec

What am I doing? Am I really living my life? Am I living it with my soul? Am I living for others?

Along the path, I lost my religion. The true religion of the children of men, which is based on empathy and the fundamental principles of humanity and compassion. I don't know anymore if my morality has the capacity to enhance the natural wave of my life or it is made to destruct what has once been there. I don't know where I am leading the self-invested me, which seemed to have lost even the smallest battlefield of life.

Have I really lost the frugal mind of my soul? Have I loved my life for me not to endure sorrow in my death?

How am I to live peacefully when abhorrence and fear is in the depth of my existence? Revenge is dominating the blood that runs in my veins, loathing and repulsion sticks my heart as if there is no tomorrow.

Yet, in all this complexion and paradox, I continue to love and be in love. It brings ecstacy to my soul, it leads me upwards to heaven. It is something worth living and dying a thousand times for. I love my past. Even though I was restless and consumed by pity, I don't regret and I'm not ashamed because for once in my life someone has accepted me, namely, loved me, the whole me. The courage to admit this came from me, I overcame the danger of it, the lies. For once in my life, I was accepted for who I really am, for what I want to become, for my mistakes, for my weaknesses.

And through this I am not afraid. I just wait to begin to live and dying may be just a part of it. I wouldn't want my soul to live an obsolete life, for it has the power to give me an earthly death.

Life is nothing but an empty dream...

Love me or hate me? Love/hate me?

2007-06-11T14:19:00.000+02:00

"You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul" - Julie de Laspinasse

This is what my ex-boyfriend feels for me. At least as I understood it. He hates me, loves me, hates me, loves me, in a complicated way that just makes me dizzy. Anyways, I got the chance to clear up things, at least for me.

I have learned a few things.

First, you make decisions in your life and you stick with it. Some people they just regret making that decision, they fall, feel the mud in their face, roll back up, and start walking again. They learn. They move on. And yes, bitter as it sounds, but that's life baby! Bring it on! So i knew that... way before. It happened to me, I even tasted mud (metaphorically speaking) and it is not nice believe me! :) I just discovered that some people cannot do that. They fall on the mud, and they stick to it. They roll on it, lay down on it... They actually linger on it! They just can't move. And once they do, they're different. I mean they become negative people, those who have a negative view on life. That's sad. I mean, it's OK to change, but for the better.

Moving on, I learned how pathetic the human being could be. Why are we the most complicated being on the face of the earth..? That I would never understand.

So anyways, about the love/hate-hate/love feelings, could it possibly be because we cannot help but loving those who destroy us? Or maybe some people hate someone they really wish to love, but whom they cannot love. Maybe they prevent it and that could be another disguised form of love. Or maybe just because love is concealed, then hate takes place.

I don't know which of these are my ex's reasons, but for sure he has good ones. I was just shocked to find out he's still not over it after all these years. I really thought he was ok already... Until now he still lingers at the times we were together, still remembers our dreams and whatever we had during our short relationship. I just can't believe some people can't let it go. It was hard for me too, but I had to bite my lip, accept the consequences of my so-stupid decisions, accept things that I cannot change and move on. I pulled up the sleeves on my arms and worked it out the best possible way. I didn't want to ruin my life just because I made a mistake. I might have lost, but I certainly had to fight back. Maybe that's the difference. I grew strong and became a fighter.. And now I just have the most amazing guy in the world and the most beautiful daughter a woman could have :) I'm lucky. And this is all because I fought back.

*yiy!*

a little bit of this....

2007-05-12T02:25:00.001+02:00

There is something really screwed up with blogger..

Anyways, been gone for a week.. Went to San Francisco to fix everything we could so that we could move in there. Alec's already there, Amanda and I will follow hopefully by the end of the year.

Loved it there.. The weather is pretty f*cked up though, but I loved it still the same.. San Francisco is so classy and chic you just want to live there. Sausalito is even better. The view from its hills is amazing! Guess I found home in a new country...

I'm gonna write down some non-sense thoughts.. It's already 2.30am and I'm still not sleepy so I'll just blog.. Hehe

Ok.. so.. this is hilarious! Checked my friendster and replied to a bunch of friends.. And then I just happened to check this old friend of mine's account.. Goodness! What the hell is wrong with her? I'll give you a background check to clarify things: she's a small little brat who is over confident and gets away with the wrongdoing that she does to other people.. I have to say she's smart but nonetheless, not smart enough to look at herself in the mirror and have a conscience inspection. Her pictures are waaaay to vain. I seriously laughed at the sight of her face in different angles with her arm stretching upwards so that she can hold the camera, or maybe it was her phone! I dunno and I don't care... It was just funny.. Seeing her being fixated by today's fancy trends! Hehehehe.. i think she once told me: "I am not like them, I don't care, and I don't want to be dependent!" Whatever...

Another funny thing.. A friend of mine told me that my ex boyfriend checks my friendster and my blog... And by seeing that I write stuff online, he too started a blog.. What the hell? Who cares! And about having a kid... You lied man.. I know! Get over with it...

Period.

Meeting Desi in Venice

2007-02-19T23:28:00.000+01:00

Oh yeah.. It's carnival season in Venice.. I went there last Saturday, left Am
anda with my mom and hit the road with Alec and with a desperate need to see Desi. She called me the day before to inform me that her group and her sister were going to Venice and that it would be nice to meet up since we live 30 km away from it. This time it was only me and Alec. It was nice, though it was drizzling a little, we felt the place and the moment. It was like we were in our honeymoon. (hehe)

Desi said she will be at San Marco by 1pm. We arrived early, so we thought of walking even though it was raining. And as we walked, we started taking pictures of Venice's beautiful streets once again..

We arrived at San Marco at exactly 1pm. Obviously Desi is late (she is still Filipina!) San Marco was full of people. Children playing, tourists taking pictures, old women sipping their warm coffee. But what was really enchanting were the costumes...

This is actually a guy

Moster Sulley went crazy

Finally we were able to meet up with desi at around 2pm...

After having hot chocolate and small talks, Alec and I headed home...

Amanda

2007-01-31T21:51:00.000+01:00

... they said she looks like her father.... but I don't think so... she got her eyes from me...

Twirl of distraction

2007-01-26T00:31:00.000+01:00

Updates of our "European" life: 1

2007-01-10T23:02:00.000+01:00

Today Amanda had her first solid meal. Alec mashed a piece of red apple and she totally liked it. I thought we would have a hard time introducing her to a new texture (she loooooves milk!), but I was wrong. The outcome was very nice.

Alec and I are soooo excited because our iMac is arriving tomorrow. We've been wanting to get a Mac for the longest time since we moved here to Italy. Well, I hope he can sleep tonight. Knowing Alec, when he gets excited over something, haaaayyyy.... He just won't stop talking about it. Hehe

Einstein's good. He poops once a day nalang, unlike before, and he doesn't piss inside the house anymore (finally!).

New Year and Alec's bday was sweet! We spent it at my uncle's house with a bunch of family friends from Germany. They were funny and very nice to be with. We played some games and had a wonderful dinner (tita Rocel's mushrooms were the best and Mom's fruit cake was awesome!) I mostly enjoyed it coz I took tons of pictures and videos with my new cam! *wink*

Oh, Amanda's troller is the one for toddlers na, unlike before she was using the one for infants. Since she can hold her head up and wants to see what is outside the stroller, we sat her on the stroller chair, giving her a good view of who is pushing the stroller and what is beyond it. She's sooo cute, with her little jacket... Ok I'm being too much of a mom now..

Another thing about Amanding, she has a new stuffed toy, it's a muse, it has a scarf, and his name is Franco. Oh yeah, he's gay and has a crush on kuya Einstein. He teaches Amanda to vocalize so that she can improve her singing. Ok, now I totally sound crazy. Forgive me, I think when you become a mother you become a little bit krung krung in the head. I think it's one of the major Laws of Nature.

On Epifany, we celebrate the coming of the witch (don't ask, I don't know why! I have to research about this). So we bought nuga, or torrone in Italian, and caramelized almond. Ohhh it was sooo good I kind of palpitated. Plus all the Lindor chocolates Alec got for his birthday! I hope you all know what Lindors are... They are those round chocolates wrapped like candies that melt automatically in your mouth once the saliva reaches it. I only have one word for Lindor chocolates, ORGASMIC!

That's it for the moment. Will update more regarding our life here in Europe. I STILL miss Pinas, I STILL love chocolates and this is STILL Nads. Hehe. *cheers!*

A past midnight post

2006-12-30T02:28:00.000+01:00

It's 2 am. I can't sleep.

New Year is coming up. I'm excited yet nostalgic. Many things happened in 2006 and my life took a different direction. I packed my things, left the Philippines with my fiancee and moved to Italy for almost a year now. Amanda was born and now I'm eager to know where destiny is bringing me. In a few months I know I'll be somewhere else, doing something else. I just wait for the opportunity.

What did I learn this year? I think what really hit me was that having a family of your own is not as simple as it looks like, and that patience is the solution to everything. I learned that motherhood makes you more humble, makes you understand how love can be so undying. I learned to appreciate more what I have. I got to know myself better. I got to know who my true friends are. I learned to let go. I got hurt and humiliated, I cried and felt pity for myself, but at the end I learned to accept the pain, so I stood up and put my head up.

A while ago I couldn't breath properly. I knew something was bothering me. I knew something was wrong. So I thought of the things that made my heart ache. I thought of lost friendships, of misunderstandings, of love. And before I wrote this post, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I started writing. And while doing this, I just let it all go.

Now I can sleep again. Goodnight world!

So what?

2006-12-27T01:52:00.000+01:00

I just had my first Christmas with my own family. It feels wonderful.

My mom read my blog (damn!) and she bought me a cam for Xmas! Well, she knows I want a camera, but she never thought of buying me one. Can't ask for more. It's a canon ixus. Super nice.

I learned Photoshop.. Just the basic stuff. Gosh I love it! So Marla, you really have to teach me! hehehe. I'm going praning here!

To sum it all up, my Christmas went fine, and I hope it continues like this till New Year and Alec's bday.

Me and Fr. Dennis on Xmas day
Photo taken by AAS
Edited by *me*

Well, Merry Christmas to everybody!

The day I lost my brother...

2006-12-22T20:52:00.000+01:00

I love my friends. And I sooo love my childhood friends. They're like siblings to me.

When I left the Philippines for good I was 5 years old. That was a major heartbreak. I had to leave my friends behind. Patricia, Jenji and Sieg where the very best of all my childhood friends. It tore my heart knowing that I would not be sticking around them playing patintero or hide and seek anymore. We shared the same meal, even if it was just toyo and rice, we were in the same neighborhood, we shared toys and so more. Until now, I call Jenji's mother Mama, because she is very close to me. I just couldn't believe I would have to leave them behind.

I started having Italian friends, but I never forgot them. I knew someday I would go back and play with them like the old times. Years passed by and I went back. We were teenagers. We loved each other more. But we went to different universities giving us only weekends to spend time with each other. Patricia totally disappeared from the face of the earth. She moved from our place and we never saw her again. Jenji was still my closest friend, I would see her when I go home on weekends, and Sieg changed his name to Keso.

I would not see them every weekend, nor call them very often, but whenever I'm home in Laguna, I would go see them as soon as possible.

One day I made this big mistake of introducing Keso to a person. He betrayed me. I'd rather be killed than be betrayed by him for he is the very first friend in my life.

And that's the day I lost my brother. Forever.

2006-12-08T00:31:00.000+01:00

I always wanted to play the piano. When I was 7 years old, I asked my mother if she could buy me one, even the cheapest electric piano available. I never got one. And the saddest thing is that I never learned to play it.

I am an only child. But I never felt I was. Maybe my mother thought that if I did, then I would turn out to be spoiled. Most of my toys were given at Christmas or my birthday. But never because I had high grades, or 'cause I passed an exam. Some of the things I wanted were bought with my own money, given by my uncles and aunts on my Bday or Xmas. Mom would just give me some cash like my uncles. The two things that she got me that really shocked me were the Barbie house when I was around 8 years old and the laptop that I am using right now. It's 3 years old, falling apart and needs to be replaced by a new one. But I guess I have to get it with my own money, and since I'm starting to get stable with my family (Alec and Amanda) I guess I simply won't be able to get it.

When I was a kid I dreamt that one day I will be pretty. No one told me I was pretty or beautiful. Oh, one exception. My grandmother. She was the only one who complimented me. After her, no one from my family. Only later when I started dating. I felt that I was ugly, that guys don't like me. In grade school I was one of the tallest. I reached high school and my height was mediocre. I felt shattered.

I knew I was alone in a way. Yes, I had my mom and my family, but to have a reliable self-esteem, I had to depend on myself. I couldn't just feel sorry for myself. I knew I had to work my ass off to be someone better.

When I was 14 I had this crazy idea of taking photography class. But mom told me that art doesn't lead you anywhere. It is nice to appreciate it and make it as a hobby, but not to really be an artist as a profession. Though I paint, it is because it's my hobby and that's it. Only now I'm learning photography, by reading some articles and with Alec explaining me the different shots. I want a camera but I guess like the laptop, it will take me years before I could get one.

Earlier I asked Alec if he thinks I am a good daughter. I feel like I am selfish, for wanting more than I have. And I feel stupid because whatever I do, my mom never seems to be satisfied. With the socks I bought, with the meat that had to be cut, how I take care of my daughter, how I wash her clothes. If there's nothing wrong with what I do, then it is not enough. She always seems to find a way to pinpoint a black mark on what I do. I just make rough comments and walk out most of the time, but then my heart cries. What did I do to deserve this? Maybe because she thinks I am "tamad", or don't want to do anything. But unlike her, I have so much on my mind and pressure from doing what I should be doing that I start to be careless. Taking care of a child isn't easy. Being a "perfect daughter" is even harder.

Alec's answer to my question made me realize that yes, I am a good daughter. I know I am. And what makes me good is the love I have for my mom and my family, for letting all the things I wanted to get but never had pass and for accepting the things I cannot change. I am not perfect and I make mistakes like any human being, but I know I am good. (naks!)

Are these frustrations? Maybe. Am I angry? No I don't think so. Perhaps I just regret not following what I really wanted in life. I regret not insisting on that piano and the piano lessons. I regret not asking my mother for some toys because I got a perfect score. I regret not asking her if I was pretty. I regret not taking photography class. I regret not being the best I could be.

Saturated picto-blue

2006-12-06T22:04:00.000+01:00

I soooo love blue... Is it obvious? *wink*

Something...

2006-12-02T21:38:00.001+01:00

I am actually down with exhaustion from conceptualizing Alec's short movie. We've done this before, but brainstorming is a lot easier with a bunch of friends helping you out. I always loved writing scripts. And once I get the spark, it will all flow naturally, as if the story has always been inside me, waiting to burst out.

And this is why I miss those dirtbags! (I mean my friends!) Since all of us went to the same school, spend our dull moments in Chowking and did many crazy things, we all have the same way of thinking. We say green jokes to each other, below the belt comments, be mean and call each other dirrrty names, but no one ends up being hurt or offended. We're simply bastards!

But most of it all, when it comes to problems, we would always end up gathering together and would help each other. And right now, I really need them to help me with this script! I am totally lost!

Alec's preference for the genre is psychological or whatever is f*cked up would be good. Basically I need a jist that would make sense to the story. So if any of you could just think of anything at all, stories that you heard that could help me with the script, or something that you experienced and would want to share it with me, feel free to post it at the comment box so that if ever something's up, I could incorporate it with the story, or perhaps it could simply wake up the spark inside me!

Grazie e arrivederci!

Lst Song Syndrome

2006-11-26T21:31:00.000+01:00

WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

MY GIRL - The Temptations

I've got sunshine
On a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside,
I've got the month of May.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

I've got so much honey
The bees envy me.
I've got a sweeter songThan the birds in the trees.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

Ooooh, Hoooo.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

I don't need no money,
Fortune or fame.
I've got all the riches, baby,
One man can claim.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

Talkin' bout my girl.
I've got sushine on cloudy day
With my girl.
I've even got the month of MayWith my girl.

Dudayism, my theory of life

2006-11-17T00:26:00.000+01:00

There are nights when I see myself being neurotic of life's surprises... And tonight is one of those nights... I can't force myself to sleep. I was surfing the internet till I found a blog of someone who is not my friend, not someone I say hi to, but someone who I simply know, and I'm pretty sure she knows me too.

As I see her pictures, I recall my college days, and I can't help myself but feel a glimpse of jelousy within me. The gimmiks I went to, the beer, the cigs, the smoke... All that meant to destruct my brain cells, and it was marvelous! And now, here I am, feeling like I'm 100 years older... 100 years wiser. I just laugh at myself thinking of how much fun I had during those days. It was fun. But it could not, and would not, last forever. I knew that eversince I stepped into the walls of my university. Today you're having the time of your life. tomorrow you have kid. Yesterday you were passing out in a friend's house, today you are seriously devoted to your job. Man, life surely knows how to make its twists.

It is only now that I understand what was essential in life.

One thing I learned is acceptance. I know it sounds weird, but ever since I was a kid, it was hard for me to... well.. just let it go.. to accept things for what they really are. When I reached my teenage years, I was more stubborn. That is when I touched the depth of teenage dilemma. I was free from the attention and spotlight focused on me in Italy. I made myself out, and yes, for once I felt free. I could be the bad girl, the nasty one, the liberated, out-of-her-mind kind of type... I had the absolute choice of who I wanted to be. I was in search of what I could call "home". Then it hit me. Home was my family, but the problem was that I never got to accept it as MY family. Acceptance can be harsh sometimes, but it is worth the try.

Smile. When someone would take a picture of me, I never knew how to smile. Should it be a big smile? Do I have to show my teeth? Or just a small smile? Maybe a forced smile? One important thing I learned is to smile like you just had the best time of your life. Smile to relatives, to your friends, to your enemies. Don't make them feel like they are worthless, because they taught (or they will teach) you something important. And yes, smile at your enemies too.

You have plenty of friends but keep the ones that are true to you. True friends are priceless.

If you're loyal and honest, it would make you vulnerable. It doesn't matter! Be loyal and honest. Telling even the smallest lie will make your life miserable. Believe me, I tested it.

Run, as fast and as far as you can. Feel the energy within your body and appreciate it. You won't be young forever, take advantage of it.

Appreciate what you have. I know it's hard, but try. I have the crappiest laptop ever, but I love it, not only because it was a bday gift from my mom, but because it still works.

Talk to yourself. Shout, cry, laugh, feel free in front of a mirror. That is the best way to resolve an issue within yourself.

You can have kids, or not have any. Doesn't matter. Groove on childhood, for it is when fantasy and reality are combined.

Respect and love your parents. No matter what happens, you will find them behind your back to support you. If you had a hard childhood, thank them because they made you stronger. If your parents are separated, thank them because you know that when you will have your own family, you will know how to avoid a split-up. If they abused you, thank them because you can send someone to hell. They are the link to your past, whether it was painful or a happy one.

Pray. No matter what religion you believe in, never forget to pray and be thankful for the life God has given you. If you do not believe in any religion and prayers, then make a mental note to be thankful for breathing.

Write. I have a blog because in times like this I just want to write. You'll feel better to just let your thoughts out. It could be a blog, a journal, a diary, a piece of paper; doesn't matter what surface, just write to liberate your brain.

Love with all your heart. Don't think twice. If you love someone, risk your heart. It could end up being broken, you could find yourself picking up the pieces, but go for it. It is better to have tried than to wonder what could have happened if...

Forgive. The hardest thing to learn. Big or small, a sin will always be a sin. Forgiveness cradles the soft line between goodness and evil. Forgive, because one day, you could be the one begging for it.

Believe. What is more important is that you believe you can do this.

An Open Letter for my daughter

2006-11-13T23:44:00.000+01:00

Dear Amanda,

I know it will take years before you could read this letter. But consider this as a guide, or answers to the many questions that one day you will ask me.

Each day you wake up wondering at the faces that peer down at you. You wonder why we open our mouths, make weird noises and giggle whenever you smile at us. Let me explain you, Amanda, who we are and why we are here, feeding you, changing your diaper, and carrying you till you fall asleep.

Family is a refuge in a heartless world. We are strange people all mixed up together, living under the same roof, sharing toothpaste, fighting over the pettiest things, hiding money or chips from each other. We laugh, share, defend, contradict and love each other. Family is protection and security. What bounds us all together is love and care. Family, Amanda, is home.

Alec and I are your parents, and as parents we nurse and love you more than anything else in this world Amanda. You cry in the middle of the night, I feed you and your father burps you so that you won't have gas in your little tummy. He sits down and holds you, sometimes he even falls asleep while sitting down. But we don't mind that because we love you. That is why we are here, Amanda. To love you with all our heart.

You father, Alec, is a young man filled with dreams and good intentions. He might have some faults too, but he loves you immensely, and will do his best for you to grow up within a safe haven. Eventually when you grow up, you'll see that he will be your guide, your examplar and friend. He is a good man, but sometimes he is misunderstood. You will understand this when you're older. He'll be there whenever you need him and I promise you, Amanda that he'll give his best to make us both happy.

I am your mother, Amanda. The moment you were born, I was also born to be your mother. Me as a mother, never existed before. I was a lady, who used to be carefree with life; I demanded independence and autonomy, I was vain, stubborn and I never let myself defeated by anyone. I underestimated many things in my life. But you changed me, Amanda. You made me selfless. I can give my soul out just for you to be ok, healthy and safe.

You have your grandparents. Your nonna Cecil, who is always at your side whenever you cry at dawn, is someone who is willing to tire herself while holding you and calming you down. Your grandmother is a very loving person, Amanda. She does not express herself too much, but she is the mere example of undying love. She is a strong person, she is a warrior that never fails to be there in times of need. She is the most giving person you will ever know.

You have your grandparents from your father's side. Lola Tonette is very sweet. You might not hear her voice or see her like you do with us because right now she is far from us. But she is a kind person to be with, Amanda. She is very sophisticated and gentle. She knows how to handle problems. Like your nonna Cecil, she is strong yet humble at the same time. She got through a lot too, but she is still there, waiting to hold you in her arms.

This is your family Amanda. One thing I learned while growing up is that you don't get to choose your family, but only to accept them.

Welcome to this family. We love you, Amanda, and I promise you that we will do our best to give you a happy and peaceful life.

Mommy

After the end

2006-10-14T12:32:00.000+02:00

I woke up in the middle of the night with fragmented thoughts. No knowing why, I closed my eyes. Then, I remember...

I grew up in a home where people believed in the mystery of faith and nature's mystification. We believe in what is seen, or better said, what is not seen beyond the natural course of human life. Since I grew up in Italy,I was not too exposed about these kind of "stuff" until I started living in the Philippines again.

ONE

It started when I got home from the airport and I saw a man I did not know walking in our kitchen. I thought he could be one of the guys working for my grandfather, so I did not ask. Hours passed and I saw him again, but this time he was leaving our house. He stood outside the gate and stayed there for a few minutes, facing the floor. I shrugged and let him be.

FOUR

I got home from my tita's house when four men in their 40's were in our garden. They were farmers, I could tell by the clothes they were wearing. Again, I thought they were workers or perhaps some of my grandpa's friends.

DEJA VOU'

The wind was overpowering and I was restless. There was a typhoon at that time. Everyone seemed to be frantic and panicking. I did not know what was going on. My titas were hysterical and one of them was praying. I knew it already happened. But when? I cannot recall. I close my eyes. I knew what was next. I knew I would scream in a matter of seconds, but I couldn't remember why.

THE MEN

As I scream, I point my finger towards the garden. There was a bunch of men in our garden. They were all looking at me as if it was the first time they ever saw a girl. And they were leaning. I could hear them whisper. I could smell filth. My aunt held my hand and massaged it while saying a prayer. I shut my eyes.

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

They were gone. I never knew why they came, what they wanted. I felt that they were different from me, from my family, from us. There was a strange feeling, and the creeps was still there after they were gone. I knew I looked like a fool in front of my family, but in an odd way, they knew everything. I did not need to explain, nor describe what I saw. They simply knew. I asked if they saw them too, they said they didn't. I was confused, until I realized that I was gifted. I'm not the only one in the family, and it scared me. I never saw the men again.

It is a wonder what comes after death. No one can really know or explain. In my family, the concept of heaven and hell is highly believed in. But its dogmatism is still unexplainable. What is there to believe after we all die? Maybe there is no belief, or light, or heaven. Or maybe there is limbo. Or maybe we simply disappear.

Through my experiences with the unknown, I have learned that time is nothing. Death will come, and here we are waiting for it with our life. After the end, there is us, maybe a better us, a worst us, here, or there. But after everything, there is our being. A ghost? Reincarnation? Heaven and hell? Limbo? It doesn't really matter. We leave our bodies rotten, but our core, our being, will always be present. After the end, there is us, free.

My new life, an introduction

2006-10-10T12:55:00.000+02:00

I feel euphoric. I never thought being a mother could give you so much joy. A smile, a glimpse, a cry, makes my heart melt. Everything that my baby girl does is amusing. Sometimes I just find myself staring at her for no apparent reason. I study her face. She really looks like her father. Is there a logic, a rule for all these feelings? It is such a humble delight to have her, hold her, be with her.

Oh, I guess happiness does exist after all. Satisfaction is merely a part of it.

I look at Alec and Amanda and I feast on my life.

Things I found out

2006-09-26T10:25:00.001+02:00

I found out how I can make champorado! It's been ages since I ate a bowl of good, warm, chocolaty champorado with tuyo. And I miss it terribly. So anyway, I got Quaker Oats, put some milk, sugar and chocolate syrup. Boil and stir for a minute, and there you go! Champorado Express! Unfortunately I don't have tuyo, which makes it "kulang", but then I'm pretty satisfied with the outcome! Yay!

Another thing I found out this week. Amanda loves the band The Temptations. Whenever she hears the songs Just my Imagination and My Girl, she calms down and listens with huge eyes. She adores them. I don't know why. Then I found out that my grandmother used to like them as well. Could she be her reincarnation? Haha. That would be weird.

The last thing I discovered in the past week is how Einstein, our dog, can be so scared of the indoor clothes line. It really freaks him out and I think I know why. I remember one time the clothes line almost fell on him making a huge, irritating sound. So the dog freaked out and started barking at it. I never thought he would endure trauma by it. However, he's still so cute because everytime I touch the clothes line, he would run away and bark at it. Now I know how to scare him if he's too makulit. Haha!

Oh, did you know that when a baby has hick ups (is the spelling right?) or sinok, you have to put a small piece of white cloth on her forehead? Because I didn't.

Nostaligic of homeland

2006-09-22T22:15:00.000+02:00

September has never been more beautiful. The weather is perfect, it's getting cold since autumn is approaching, the leaves are turning brown, and it's time to get out of the stock room the long sleeves and jackets we stored. I've been going to a park near the house with Dada, Alec and our dog, Einstein. It's nice to just sit on a bench and talk about anything that comes up to your mind. Last time we went to the park, Alec and I bought a pack of biscuits, two newly baked chocolate croissants and milk. We ate in the park while the dog kept running around us and Dada sleeping in her stroller. It was nice. It's so... European!

But how I miss the Philippines! I grew up loving her. As my mom puts it, Walang gaganda pa sa Pilipinas. I surely agree. But at the same time I pity her. She has so much to go through, so much to understand and learn. Her politics is compromised and corrupted, her people is starving for justice and constitutionality is abnegated. She is lost among the bribery and fiddling of her own people. I look back at the homeland my mother and I left many years ago, and my heart just sinks.

Nothing is the same and nothing will ever be. Our small town in the vicinity of Calamba city is wracked. It used to be a major sugar supplier but now it is a hell hole. Its electricity is weak, the streets are screwed up and the water supply is insufficient for those who are left there. I still remember the small chapel near our house where my Grandma would bring me for the "paalay" and the big factory where my Grandfather used to work. But know it's all rotten. It is at times like this that a cry for justice inside me surges. What happened to the small town of mine is the same thing that the Philippines is currently enduring.

And for the second time in my life, I am guilty of commiting the same mistake again: going back to her with all my heart. I have never regreted making this mistake and maybe I never will. I will always look back and I will always know that once in my life I know where I am truly happy: in her arms. Nothing will ever compare to the warmness of her embrace.

Pilipinas, babalkan kita!

Grandma

2006-09-18T12:17:00.000+02:00

As I was browsing an old blog of mine, I found a poem I wrote for my grandmother. She passed away two years ago, on September 11, 2004.

FOREVER BEAUTIFUL

Undefined struggles
The forces innate in me
Unrevealed by the soft pillow of capacity
the shadow of fear
When you called me my dear
The truthfulness of the word,
whispered in my ear
Where is the raindrop falling from Heaven's gate?
Assured by the saddest belief
Shall I travel and not fear?
Closed casket in front of me
I approach the sorrow indeed
You wave from the window
The endearment of your soul
Lost love that once was yours
Curls heading the back of your head,
swallowed by the majesty of your womanhood
I shall see,
Forever beautiful to me

For Nanay, the best Grandma one could ever have.

2006-09-13T17:10:00.000+02:00

I haven't written in my blog because an event conspired on the last few days of August changed my life completely. Amanda was born, and I saw myself still not grasping the concept of childbirth as I was standing at the margins of the situation.

Alec held my hand as I twist my body in distorted mutilation, for the pain was too much to bear, and at the sight of our beautiful daughter, tears ran down my cheeks. I can never put the exact words to explain how I felt in that moment of agony and joy.

It was a pleasant surprise to have Amanda in our arms the same day my grandmother was born. I didn't see that coming. All I prayed for is that she would be healthy. And thank God she was and still is.

There are times I wonder if I would be a good mother to this kid. She is just too fragile that sometimes I am scared to hold her. Surely having her around the house turned me and Alec into complete idiots, but then again, little by little we learn.

Amanda is like the beginning of new hopes and possibilities. She makes our days shorter and the nights longer, the past forgotten and a future worth living for.

Philippine Oil Spill

2006-08-23T19:07:00.000+02:00

A Petron-charted single hull vessel carrying 2.1 million litres of oil sank in Guimaras Strait last Aug. 11. This is an ecological disaster, and it might be an irreversable damage to the Philippines, which forced our government to seek help from international parties. 26,000 people lost their livelihood and more than 2,400 acres of marine reserve has been destroyed and damaged.

If you are in the Philippines and want to help, please call Greenpeace supporter services 02-4260368, local 110.

If you are willing to contribute or donate some of your hair, which is proven effective in cleaning the oil, please go to any Reyes Haircutter branch.

Please let us be aware of our environment and let us put our strenght together to help our country!

Notice: some fragments taken from Greenpeace SEA website

Girl in the Mirror

2006-08-23T18:07:00.000+02:00

Notice: This entry might hurt someone, or might truly offend some people. If it does, too bad.

I was browsing through some friendster pages. Friendster hit the Filipino community of Italy like a bombshell on 2004. Like any other young Filipino, the youngsters in Italy did not want to be left out and they started making their own pages, now with special designs, music and picture slideshows. Nothing bad, really, somehow amusing, sometimes annoying, but I could say it is understandable for young people. But what really shocked me is the attitude and belief behind the pictures and the profiles I read.

The profiles. Tagalog is often used, which is totally fine, but with the emphasis of the letter Z in every word, or the text style of spelling, or adding some sort of kakikayan in everyword makes me literally sick. What the hell is going on with these people? I mean do they actually think it's cute? They're just showing other people how stupid they are with some mixed up words or some cheap made up words. I know they speak fluent tagalog even if they grew up here, so speak Tagalog! Don't try to be "in" or different! Be you!

The pictures. I understand some vanity pose and post it on the net, especially if you have a nice quality shot which you find cute, but what's up with the captions?! Something like, "pretty koh noh?" or "pwedeh na bang pang modelzzz?" or something worst like "dream of having me". I was literally speechless. I mean I understand someone saying something like that if they were as pretty and beautiful as Nicole Kidman or Natalie Portman, but if you look like an achay, please spare me all this! I do not usually insult or judge people by the way they look, but if you start putting captions like that you gonna make me want to throw up. Literally. And ok sometimes it is fine if it's a 16 year old saying stuff like that, but 22? Grow up!

Ok so why all these? And why the Filipinos abroad? Isn't it weird? I mean those who had the chance to go in another country, grow up there and live there during their teenage years is pretty amusing, but why don't they grow up culturally? I think they are even becoming worst from what they used to be. They are even more sucked up with themselves, thinking that they've got all the beauty and riches of the world from working some small jobs here and there. And the worst thing is that they are cocky about it.

Psychologically thinking, I believe these youngsters (who are daughters and sons of OFWs) are too full of themselves. And when they look at the mirror, they subconciously see themselves being pretty, but they never see their real self. They don't see someone who needs education and cultural awareness, but only someone who is "maganda" physically, someone who is tall when they are midgets, someone whose face is smooth and white, when their face is full of pimples and black heads. They don't see themselves in the mirror, they see another girl.

It's a waste really. They got the chance to change, to be more culturally independent and aware, but failed to do so. And they are there, stuck to their own reality, eating each other.

So Far I Have...

2006-08-21T17:23:00.000+02:00

From Gee...

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris (year 2000)
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sunrise (during college days)
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa (its not allowed to go upstairs anymore, but been there and went inside, does that count?)
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables (grade school project)
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby’s diaper (My cousin's)
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne (New Year and at my cousin's debut)
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope (at my friend's house)
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight (Youth Camp, year 1999)
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight (Asiago, Italy)
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath/shower (Winter, Italy)
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse (Forgot the year and place but somewhere here in Italy)
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days (Thesis, 2005)
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (Absynth?!)
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Been at the top of the Empire State Building (April 2004)
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign (No smoking sign with Johnny, Burgundy, 2005)
57. Backpacked in Europe (year 2000)
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench-pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let’s Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theatre
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to know about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites (Rome ancient sites, year 1996)
87. Taken a martial arts class (for a few weeks back in pre-school, haha!)
88. Sword fought for the honor of a woman.
89. Played DVD for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie (Alec's short movie, year 2006)
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Lied
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Gotten flowers for no reason
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage (pre-school days)
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night-stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Moulin Rouge (the play? the movie?)
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check (hehe)
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congressperson
133. Packed up and moved to another city (left Padova and went to Calamba, 2001)
134. …more than once? (from Calamba to Manila, 2002)
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion, or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone’s heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of 100mph or faster
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced (Belly Button, 2002)
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: take, landing (all the time)
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than the number of U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper (with my Mom, 1997)
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for his or her actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name (got rid of Ann)
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author whom you missed in school, and read him/ her
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. …and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
87. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Been starstuck. Really starstruck
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you. (Painting, 2001)
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Lost your Best Friend for reasons of death
201: Fallen in love over the internet
202: Sung in a Barbers’ Shop Quartet
203: Eaten a live animal
204: Been able to communicate in a language you barely learnt barely three days earlier.
205: Memorized words from all Disney movies like Aladdin, Lionking etc; furthmore, dialogues from Friends, Smallville and Star Trek

Two years

2006-08-12T22:13:00.000+02:00

Two years of infinite joy, sadness, hatred, misunderstanding, alleviation, satisfaction, happiness...
Two years of culpable actions, pleasure, achievements, failure, abstract thoughts...
Two years of endurance, patience, calmness, chaos, sufferance, gladness...
Two years of endless love, anger, surprises...
Two years of ceaseless movies, computer illiteracy, confusion, agitation...
Two years of completeness.

I love you Alec. Happy 2nd Anniversary!

The days of our lives

2006-08-08T10:54:00.000+02:00

Mood: Awake

Mom left for the Philippines and I'm left with Alec in the house. Just the two of us. Oh and Einstein of course. And our baby! :)
So we wake up at around 9-10am, go to the kitchen, munch on some food, and go back to bed. After around 30 minutes, Alec gets out of bed and starts surfing the net. I walk around the house, look for something to do, and always end up playing with the dog.
Lately my cousin is bumming around with us since her work starts at 1pm, so basically she ends up just talking, talking, talking about people I never heard of, people I barely know, and some people I know. It's quite fun!
Lunch time = major problem! I don't know how to cook. So since my cousin Airish is a great cook, she kinda taught me some recipes yesterday. For a change we went to the supermarket and bought a great deal of stuff for the whole week.
After eating, more bumming around... surf the net, chat with some people... After 3pm we decided to walk to town, window shop or go shopping if we find something nice to buy (evertything is 50% off now! from Benetton to Dior!)
Go back home, play with the dog, bum around, eat dinner, walk around, more talking, then doze off. That's basically the days of our lives.. One day I know I'll just miss it!

2006-07-28T17:04:00.000+02:00

There was something different in his eyes... They sparked as if nothing beholds them
And from the moment he looked at me, I knew...

Things are just meant to happen, and this time we both dropped the fear within.

La lang entry

2006-07-21T15:56:00.000+02:00

Mood: feeling hot sweating like crazy!

Goddamn LBC! I asked our tailor from the Philippines to make a dress for me for my cousin's debut which will take place tomorrow. The package was supposed to arrive this morning... Nada! No package = no dress for Duday! What the hell am I suppose to wear tomorrow? Argh! Frustrating!

Einstein learned to pee and poop outside, so now whenever he cries it means he has to go out or else he'll make a mess in the house.. Adorable little puppy... He even wakes me up at 7am for a walk around the block... Argh! But then, it's always worth it...

World Cup Champions 2006

2006-07-14T22:25:00.000+02:00

GLI AZZURRI SONO I CAMPIONI DEL MONDO!

No need to translate!

On growing up...

2006-07-07T11:17:00.000+02:00

Today is my last day of work. I gave my resignation a month ago, but since my boss did not want me to leave yet, he begged me to stay till the first week of July, so basically I'm done. Finally. I expressed my agony in my past entries about quitting. Oh well...

For several months I've been really down, and I felt like I was being consumed by a stronger energy leaving me scattered and depressed. I now believe that the stronger energy was my subconcious. I was neglicting myself of being happy, or at least satisfied. I was in total disorder and chaos.

If truth be told, my life had its huge twist. Alec and I are taking our relationship to the "serious" level, and mind you, it is more serious than expected. Not that I'm scared or have doubts, I seriously love my boyfriend, and when I love someone I really put my efforts out to make it work.

I know I have bumped myself into disappointment. And growing up and being more responsible seem to be the best solution. I admire Alec for that. He stands for what he knows is right and takes life with its surprises. He can be matured and a kid at the same time. I wish I could be like that. Most of it all, he is an honest man. And I say man because he grew up to be one. If you got to know him, I'm sure you know what I am talking about.

Alec taught me how to open my heart. I know it sounds cheesy, but I guess there is no other way to make it sound "cooler" (haha). Kidding aside, Alec has been there in my sad and "down" moments, held my hand when I thought I would lose my breath, kept me warm when I was chattering my teeth from the strinking weather that sorrounded us, said the words I longed to hear. He was just there, and I guess we will just grow up together, teasing, insulting and cuddling with each other. We're simply in love.

In my past relationships, love was cruel. It played with my soul, making me hate the things and people I once loved. I felt betrayed. But I stood up and walked away. I broke hearts, but mine was broken too. I dumped guys but felt dumped too. I was hurt the same way they were hurt. But then enough was enough. I moved on. I tried to forgive, but essentially found myself forgetting.

Regrets? A lot. And each day I try to accept the faults and mistakes, get the lessons from it all, and move on. Why? Because if not, I'll be a dead soul. I believe acceptance saves people from strokes and heart attacks *wink*

work work work

2006-07-06T17:35:00.000+02:00

It's 5.30pm and the office is empty. I'm alone (as usual) waiting for 2 packages to be delivered. Alec just left after surfing the net trying to fix the ipods. I feel my heart sink. I've been pretty awful with him lately.

My boss Rey just got here. He's a weird dude. He is very strict and and sometimes can be awfully serious. I shrugh whenever he's here. I have plenty of bosses: his father, who is actually a nice guy but has serious body odor problems and his wife Rina, who just gave birth and cannot handle to be in the office all day. For the past few months that I work here, I spend most of my work-time with Kambeng (which in english means sheep; I call him like that 'cause he looks like one). He is the one helping me out with the packages, the xerox and all the accounts that have to be managed. He is a nice guy, whenever I'm late or have problems with the accounts he says something like: "Madonna!" looking up as if he's asking the good Lord to help him. Typically Italian. He's funny though. Sometimes he can be really irritating 'cause he talks a little bit too much, but then, he's an old man, so I just let him be.

This week has been a bitch! Boss Kambeng left for the beach with his wife and I'm left at the office by myself. He's coming back tomorrow night. It's actually ok 'cause I can do many things I would like to do while in the office, like surf the net the whole day, read a book without anyone interrupting me, eat whenever I want, yet if someone calls me for some technical problems, I'm dead. All I know is to fix the accounts the companies have to pay, fix the travel documents of the packages, enter and find some codes needed for the boxes (especially if international), and that's basically it.

Unfortunately some Italians can be real assholes, and most of the time it is boss kambeng who deals with them. I prayed and prayed that this week could be easy, but noooo. My luck did not listen to my prayers.

Last Monday (note: first day of the week), I had a check up with the doctor. I've been waiting for this check-up for the longest time, and I simply couldn't miss it. The schedule was at 4.30pm, and I still had work at that time. So last friday I called up Rina and asked her to take my place for an hour. She agreed and said there was no problem. I also talked to my boss kambeng and his son informing them about the shift. Everything was smooth. Monday 4pm comes and she doesn't show up. 4.30, still no sight of her. I really had to leave. So I closed the office and left a sign at the door. I assumed Rina would just come and open up anytime soon. How wrong I was! When I was finally done with the doctor I rushed back to the office only to find my boss Rey outside the office, a huge man with an equally huge baggage and a guy with an envelope. Rey started talking to me as if there were no clients. He was raising his voice. I did not pay attention at first and I just smiled at the two guys.

After I fixed their packages, I confronted Rey. Was it my fault if they are freaking retarded?! He said his wife told him she was not coming, when to me she said she was?! What the hell is that? Anyways, few minutes later he said sorry.

Tuesday comes. I woke up with a heavy head. Too bad, but I really have to go to work. Got in the office. The phone rings.

"Yes, hello?"

"Yes, I'm Mrs. Red, I've been waiting for a package since yesterday. They delivered it to me yesterday but I was not home, so they told me to call your office 'cause they will drop the box there."

"Uh- let me check, m'am."

"No, you listen! I called yesterday and you told me that there was no package yet. I went there in the afternoon and waited outside for around 30 minutes. No one was there. I need that package!"

"M'am, your package is not here yet. I told you the same thing yesterday. And sorry for the inconvenience, but yesterday we had a problem with one of our collegues. Your time was wasted though because the package was not here and is still not here." I was getting pissed off, this woman should go to hell!

"Hmpf! I'll drop by Friday. Goodbye."

"Good day m'am."

... Click...

The old ladies can be the real assholes. Most of the time they try to reason out without thinking straight. And that's just annoying. Sometimes their common sense is just absent.

Wednesday comes, pretty smooth, only one package and no assholes around. A young lady comes in, most probably a college student.

"I need to use the internet."

"Sure, just fill up the form over there." (Our office includes access to internet as well)

"Uh-ok!"

She signs. She looks around, maybe feeling kinda lost.

"Over there. Computer no. 1" I tell her (We only have three computers)

"Oh-thanks!"

Few minutes later, the lady goes up to me.

"Uh, can I ask you something?"

"Yes?"

"Is it possible to send the same e-mail to two persons at the same time?"

Uh-oh, a college student, super computer illiterate.

"Yes of course. Just write down the e-mail adds separated by a comma."

"Really?"

"Uh- yeah!"

"Thanks" She sits down... Spends like thirty minutes with her eyes glued to the screen. She stands up, walks towards me and pays for the internet.

I walk towards computer no.1, she left an e-mail open, which she did not send, and it says:

Fran I can't send you and Christy the e-mail you were asking for because I CAN'T FIND THE COMMA

Damn!

***the names in this entry were changed***

Italy of madmen

2006-07-05T09:32:00.000+02:00

Italian National Anthem

Fratelli d'Italia,
Brothers of Italy,
l'Italia s'è desta,
Italy has been awakened
dell'elmo di Scipio
from the bucket of Scipio
s'è cinta la testa.
its' head has been up.
Dov'è la vittoria?
Where is the victory?
Le porga la chioma,
I give her respect
che schiava di Roma
though she has been a slave of Rome
Iddio la creò.
as God created her.

Stringiamoci a corte,
Let us be together in the court
siam pronti alla morte.
We are ready to die.
Siam pronti alla morte,
We are ready to die,
l'Italia chiamò.
when Italy calls us.
Stringiamoci a corte,
Let us be together in the court
siam pronti alla morte.
We are ready to die
Siam pronti alla morte,
We are ready to die,
l'Italia chiamò, sì!
when Italy calls us, yes!

Noi fummo da secoli
For decades we've been
calpesti, derisi,
treaded on, forsaken,
perché non siam popoli,
because we are no population,
perché siam divisi.
because we are divided.
Raccolgaci un'unica
Let us be binded by one
bandiera, una speme:
flag, one origin:
di fonderci insieme
to merge together
già l'ora suonò.
the time has come.

Uniamoci, uniamoci,
Let us unite, let us unite,
l'unione e l'amore
unity and love
rivelano ai popoli
reveals to the people
le vie del Signore.
the ways of God.
Giuriamo far libero
We swear to freed
il suolo natio:
his nation:
uniti, per Dio,
if united for God
chi vincer ci può?
who can win us?

***The lines written in red is the Italian version of the anthem, while the ones in blue, is the English version translated by me (duh!) ***

I know the Lupang Hinirang is still one of the best national anthem (ahem ahem pinoy po to), yet the Italian one isn't that bad. They actually show how catholic and devoted they are to their country. In the anthem they also admitted their faults, such as the division of its population among classes and regions. Most importantly though, their anthem really shows how faithful they are to God, and that whatever happens, it is God's will to make it happen like that. Though I think the rhythm is tough, unlike ours which is more calm.

Anyways....

ITALY WON VERSUS GERMANY!!!! The game was amazingly tense! I was tense! My whole family was tense! Einstein was tense! Totti was tense! Lippi was tense! Everyone was tense! And as my uncle was so engrossed he couln't sit down, my cousins yelling and swearing like madmen, my mother who kept going in and out of the balcony afraid to have a heart attack and my aunt was in the kitchen drinking a glass of water, Grosso hit the ball and slipped it inside the net, making the Italians ( and us) roar in the whole peninsula a stupefying GOAL!

That's it! We knew we made it to the championship! And as we were trying to calm ourselves down, few seconds before the end of the game, Del Piero (my love!) hit the ball, and there it goes! Another GOAL!!!! And that was in the span of few seconds! I wanted to cry! The first goal was already enough, but the second one was a grace from God! And I think their anthem perfectly matches the game... God wanted them to score! (haha)

Few minutes later...

We all ran downstairs and hopped on my uncle's car... We roamed around the city yelling, screaming and singing the national anthem. Oh by the way, that's pretty normal here if the Azzuris win. Unfortunately we did not have an Italian flag to wave, but then again, it was ok that way.. People outside were running and screaming and yelling and singing and going wild with the horn of their the cars, trumpets, waving their flags as if there was no tomorrow. They were kissing each other, hugging each other, hitting each other. We went to Prato Della Valle, where the big oval plaza is located, it was impossible to get through the mass of people, bottles and trash where everywhere (which is not normal here because Italy is a pretty clean country). So we parked the car and started walking. We saw Vespas and scooters going wild, people on top of the cars waving huge Italian flags (again that is not something you see everyday here, unlike in the Philippines where people just hop on the jeepneys). It was 1am and Italy seemed to be a living hell at that moment. *wink*

A monday entry, out of the dreary

2006-07-03T11:22:00.000+02:00

Been wanting to have a camera for so long... Argh! Wala lang just wanted to share that...

Nothing special really happened over the weekend... Oh well Italy won versus Ukraine... That's good.. But Brazil lost! Noooo!! I thought they were going to win, they're so strong.. But nooo.. Kaka what happened?! It's good for Italy though, they have a higher chance to enter the final game, yet it's too bad for me (huhu)... Kaka, why oh why?!

I sound stupid... (haha)

Ok Italy won last Friday, Brazil lost, but... Pinas won!!!!
Galing ni Pacman! Cheers to that!

Einstein had his first bath and hair cut last saturday.. Ok again I don't have any pictures! Grrr.. I really have to buy a camera! Will upload soon.. :P

2006-06-28T18:46:00.000+02:00

Life is wonderful if you know how to live...

Keep the faith and drop the fear

"Drop the fear..."

Tamad entry

2006-06-27T16:24:00.000+02:00

Was too tamad to update... Well, lately life has been different with its twist and jist... One thing I learned though is the concept of responsibility, and together with Alec I just hope things will be for the better...

Italy won against Australia, I hope for the best though I don't think they can beat Brazil (huhu).. Either way, Italy parin! (haha)

oh I finally ate some Doritos! Been wanting them since I left Pinas!

I'm super lazy so I guess I'll just end it here... Oh I was granted the US visa for ten f*cking years! The consul who interviewed me was really nice and cute, asked me few stupid questions and sent me home. Thought I'd get the 6 months visa but luckily he gave me the multiple entry one, so cheers to that! (haha)

I guess my friend up above has his plans for me huh?! I think he is making things come together, it'll be hard, but I won't lose hope.. After all, that is what Nadine means... :P

Mood: Lazy

2006-06-23T10:33:00.000+02:00

I simply have the best mother in the world...

Simply hate Zaccardo

2006-06-19T09:41:00.000+02:00

Aura: Happy and irritated at the same time
Venom: Croissant
Tune: The aircon working

Last saturday I watched the football match of Italy vs. USA, and damn! That freaking game was disgusting! First Italy did too little in the second half, and I'm sure something had gone wrong in the team. They were like crazy and mad people playing in the field and not knowing where to run! In fact, according to the headline of the Corriere dello Sport, an Italian newspaper for sports, the players were madmen! They were confused and nervous, and they seemed to have lost their confidence during the match. But aside from that, the thing that really irritated me is when Cristian Zaccardo stupidly sliced the ball into his own freaking net!!!! It was auto-goal and the score went to USA. Stupid! Why the hell was he on defense in the first place? I simply hate it!

Ok, aside from football, I did nothing particular this weekend, just stayed home and slept. Owh, I got my dog his passport and his anti-rabbis shot. It's funny 'cause Einstein is a really good dog, too friendly perhaps, but really sweet. So when we got to the vet, we kinda had to wait till they called us because we were scheduled at 11am. While in the waiting area, he was being friendly to the people sitting down, and they just loved him. Eventually when the vet called us, same thing. He was being super duper friendly and the vet kept saying "Che Bravo" (Good, good), gave him a general checkup, then he asked Alec to keep him down. When he inserted the needle in his side, Einstein cried so loud, jumped on Alec and looked at the vet as if to tell him "Do not f***ing touch me!!!" But the vet was really good, he finished giving him the shot and then Einstein just cried a little. I got him and he looked so kawawa. Then we got his passport. Hehe it's funny 'cause he was just like a little kid afraid of needles.

Die Zaccardo!!! Die!!!!!

The hokum strikes again! (haha)

2006-06-14T10:04:00.000+02:00

Aura: Content
Venom: Chocolate Croissant
Tune: Silence

Ok, so World Cup has started. Tried to find tickets (malay mo diba?) but everything was sold out. Argh! Germany is just a train away!! Frustrating! However, last Monday Italy won versus Ghana, 2-0! Amazing!! People were shouting and waving the Italian flag on the streets! Guys in scooters almost killed themselves by waving their flags and screaming at the top of their lungs. Alec, Mom and I were just counting the crazy people who passed by us... Well that was Italy's first game. Imagine what would happen if we're in the Finals already! (haha)

So aside from the excitment of football, last Sunday we played volleyball and won the first game. (haha). Basically I'm not really good in playing volleyball. I was once in a team, but then suddenly stopped. I'm good in tossing the ball but that's it. Absolutely not good in stopping the ball. So i thought our team was hopeless.. I admit.. That's what I thought but did not say anything or my teamates might lose hope (haha). But luckily we won. So far so good.

Einstein's ball is missing again. We already bought him two small balls, both are missing! he can't have eaten it (haha). They can't fit in his mouth! So the first ball is blue with some red and yellow dots around it, and it squeaks whenever he plays with it. The second one is a football ball.. the black and white one.. squeaks as well when you press it. However, Alec found the soccer ball, but he said it was "paga"(or bloated) ! I said "what?" and...

Cracked myself up!!! (haha) yeah his ball is actually "paga" or bloated! Einstein loves it whether it is paga or not. (It's actually another ball haha!)

Oh won a goldfish at the rides. Actually Alec won it and gave it to me. Since we had a fish bowl at the house, I thought of winning one, so there you go. (haha)

A Wednesday Afternoon of Boredom

2006-06-07T15:56:00.000+02:00

Aura: In the mood.. in the mood
Venom: Melon
Tune: She Will Be Loved (by Maroon 5)

After bugging Alec about me getting nervous and buzzing the chat window so many times, with a deep and long breath, I was finally able to talk to my boss yesterday. I told him about quitting the job, and of all reactions, I saw that I took him by surprise. He was not mad, not at all, but I saw in his blue big eyes how shocked he was. I think he did not expect me to leave so soon. He asked several question, and at the end, everything went fine (fortunately!)

Ok so I'm fixing my papers to go to the states.. So by the end of the month I will decide whether to leave for the states or the philippines... Hopefully things will go according to plan, wait I have no plan yet! (haha)... Maybe it's better if I say that hopefully everything will go well.. or for the better...

So people ask me why I want to leave Italy. Well... It's not that I really don't like it here, after all this is where I grew up. But maybe because the field of job that I really want is not here, or maybe because I'm so used to Italy that I find it boring already.. I can give thousands of reasons why I don't want to stay here for more than a few months, yet in a way I feel bad...

I'm basically blogging because I have nothing else to do here at work... I'm craving for a Twix, but then the runner guy went home already and I can't send him to get me chocolates! Hmp! Tonight Alec, Airish and I are planning to go to the rides. They opened a month earlier than expected.. We're going there to get some fritelle, not much for the rides.

Moving on... I still haven't seen The Da Vinci Code (argh!!!)... I hate it! Though they told me it wasn't that nice, I'm still dying to watch it! In English!!! This is frustrating!

Even worst, now my YM doesn't seem to work! Argh!!! Boredom is really gonna eat me alive today... Oh God help!

I sing the last mournful song of mine

2006-06-05T10:35:00.000+02:00

Lost in my own dreams
where the twilight of silver gray sky
moves the crooked voice of the rain,
lifted my soul to rest.

I walk through the narrow street of golden yards,
barefooted steps of mine crashed the seeds of madness,
and at the wrinkled body of the leaf
I see the depth of a new life

I sing the last mournful song of mine
embeded in the phantom of the crystal moon,
beyond the sky, beyond the sea
beyond the distance of the scanty street

Covetable sweet dream of mine,
climbs to my mind to search the hidden fall of idiocy
and once again, in the cold rush of springtime
I sing the last mournful song of mine

A light beyond the abominable

2006-06-01T15:28:00.000+02:00

Aura: Contemplative
Venom: Melon
Tune: Noisy kid (a 16 year old) downloading some songs

I got my eyes shut from reality.

Last night my mom received an e-mail from my aunt who is currently a missionary in East Timor. She's a nun, and she's been there since I was just a kid. I haven't been watching the news lately so I was totally unaware of current issues. According to some newsletter I received through e-mail, East Timor is in total chaos. A rebellion is taking place in the capital, Dili; violence is aggravating, with battles between gangs of east and west side of the country. Apparently, the rebel troops want the Prime Minister Mari Alkatiri, who is blamed for the sackings, to resign together with the Interior Minister Rogerio Lobato. Sadly, it is been said that some police officers are aiding the rebels with grenade, guns and rifles. International peacekeepers are now doing their moves to restore order in the country.

My aunt is now with some refugees. She is staying in a Catholic school where she teaches and takes care of the children, but now they opened the school for the refugees. In the e-mail she sent my mom, she said that the missionaries (she is one of them) are the tangible shields of the refugees.

My family knows that no matter how insistent we could be towards my aunt, she would never leave those refugees, especially the children. It's stupefying how someone can be so dedicated and assertive regarding their goals in life. I'm sure my aunt knows the risks of staying there and taking care of people she doesn't know, yet she opted to endure whatever comes along.

I don't think courage is the issue here, but dedication and faith. My aunt is the only person I know whose faith is always growing, for she nourishes it with her being.

TITA FE, ISA KANG ALAMAT! We're always praying for you.

"Forgive each other, forget the past, let us build the nation from ashes once again."

- President Xanana Gusmao

Eight incongruous reasons

2006-05-30T21:17:00.000+02:00

Aura: Content
Venom: Supper
Tune: Einstein's steps on wooden floor

Didn't go to work today. Why?

1. I was feeling sick (had a terrible headache)
2. I am actually sick (sick of my job)
3. The weather was too nice for me to be in the office (it was cloudy and windy)
4. I wanted to eat pancakes with maple syrup and nutella (which I only do on weekends)
5. I wanted to spend time with Alec and Einsten
6. I wanted to sleep longer

7. I wanted to bum around the house

8. Hmmm.. I think I'm just being a brat

Loved the day!

Why are we never happy?

2006-05-29T18:23:00.000+02:00

I am currently chatting with Ginoboi...

Nadz: Why are we never happy?
Ginoboi: Because when we are together, we get too happy, all the time. That's why in our lonesome, we find emptiness...
Nadz: I like...
Ginoboi: Me too, that was good
Nadz: Wait for my next entry
Ginoboi: I'm gonna write that down
Nadz: Noooooo
Ginoboi: Hahaha sige sige

Great chat Ginoboi... Miss you guys like crazy!

A cry from the humdrum

2006-05-29T15:40:00.002+02:00

Aura: Frustrated
Venom: Candies
Tune: Saltwater (by Chicane)

My weekend wasn't that great, except for the fact that I was able to sleep for quite a while... Yet I really wanted to go out and have some fun, maybe watch a movie or something, but, unfortunately, as I said in one of my previous blogs, everything is in freaking Italian, so firstly Alec won't understand everything, except maybe for some words and secondly, there are no malls!!! So imagine how bored we get most of the time, being warped is the best solution. Luckily we have Einstein who always finds a way to make us smile. Sweet thing!

So I hate my job. There, I said it, and I hope my boss doesn't ever get to read this. My job is boring, it's kind of a routine, most of the time I'm alone and signing papers. The pay is high, mostly because I don't do anything, and I simply hate it. It's weird 'cause there is no actual and specific reason of why I hate it, I simply do. Maybe it's my boss, who is actually ok, or the system, which is not that bad, or I guess it's just me. I can't tell... I wanna quit anytime soon and get moving, but I really don't know how.. You see, I have this attitude of pleasing others, well not that it's a very bad thing, but most of the time, I am the one who suffers.. So basically I don't know how to tell my boss I want to quit, oh but aside from that, I don't know how to tell my mom, which is stupid, because my mom knows from the start that I never wanted this job, but to actually confirm what she knows, I don't know how to do that... And I am in this gloomy oblivion where I find myself trapped again... *sigh*

Alec told me to talk to mom, the problem is I don't exactly know what to tell her... Ok, I can tell her that I want to quit, but when she asks me what my plans are... there you go! That's where my dilemma starts. *sigh* That's exactly the question which answers I do not have. I don't know what's next, or better, I don't know what I'll do next. All I know is that I want to leave Italy, not that I don't want to be with my mom, whom I love so dearly, but nothing is happening here, nothing that I belong to or am a part of. *sigh* I'm definitely lost *sigh*

It's odd how people are never satisfied... I feel like I'm so ungrateful for the things I have... Yet, honestly speaking, deep down my very soul, I am unfulfilled. Though I have the greatest mom a person could ever have, the sweetest and most loving guy on earth, the most amazing dog, *sigh* I'm still adrift by the true essence of life...

For once, I want to scream...

Good Karma

2006-05-25T21:28:00.000+02:00

Aura: Aloof and Happy
Venom: Chocolate (again?!)
Tune: Silence

Again, my day seemed worthless of any activity whatsoever, I just wanted to doze off and be left alone. However, something really weird happened. Aside from being almost hit by a van and a car on the same day, which was really scary on my part, I found (haha) an almost brand new cellphone in the office and no one claimed it. The sim was locked so I put my sim and opened the phone only to find one name in the phone book, so I called this Paulo guy... He freaked out and he asked me where I got his number, so I told him that it was in the contacts of the cellphone I had just found.. Then he hung-up on me! What a freak! So anyways, I just kept the phone, if they don't want it, I'll keep it.. (haha)

Pococurantism

2006-05-24T17:04:00.000+02:00

Aura: Bored

Venom: Chocolate?! I forget...

Tune: Raindrops

Whoa! The weather is totally messed up today! It's raining freaking hard outside, on a beautiful spring day of May... Which is totally considered wracked up here in Italy 'cause it's springtime, so basically birds are supposed to be singing, people wearing short sleeves, and the sun should be shining outside.. But noooo... Sweet rain is falling from the sky... (haha) Lovely!

I don't know why or how, but I always enjoyed the rain, simple as it is, or wet as it is.. (haha) I always love wearing jackets and rubbershoes during rainy days, which is stupid 'cause my poor shoes always have to pay the consequences of the wetness. Hmmm.. Therefore (haha) I miss Starbucks. Not for the coffee, 'cause the capuccino and the espresso here are the best in the world, nor for the noisy street of Taft, where Starbucks Vito Cruz is actually located, but for those times when I simply felt like being... let me think of the right words.. hmm.. aloof or passive. Yeah, aloof and passive. I don't really know if it's the rain's fault for making me feel so uncaring, but I actually like it. It's weird 'cause I don't really care about the world, about myself, or about anything else. Yeah it could be selfishness, for I just don't care, but then I don't care about myself either. It's not one of my Thursday blues, i don't know, but it only happens once in a while when the rain is convulted in this weird vagary.

Now, even the pictures I took are weird (duh!) and Siena thanks for that pic.. Clueless man!

My bike is totally wet, so I don't know how the hell am I suppose to ride it going back home without me looking like I pissed all over my pants... (haha) Guess I'll just try to dry it with a towel or tissue, I don't know I'll think about it later...

I made this blog 'cause I was really really bored.. But yeah, thanks to my cousin Siena, I didn't feel so lonely today... She just stayed here the whole day bugging me about internet (haha).. We just kept bugging each other till we got bored again and went back to our own computers... We were actually planning to chat with each other, but didn't do it 'cause it's getting freaky how boredom is molesting our body and brain cells (haha)... But thanks to her, I was able to divide the freaking hokum of my soul with someone... Cheers to that!

Oh by the way, the title (haha) is pretty messed up as well, it simply means boredom... Just liked the way it sounds! *pococurantism*pococurantism*pococurantism* (haha)

Frivolous mind of mine

2006-05-22T15:30:00.000+02:00

Aura: Drained
Venom: A banana
Tune: Exile (by Enya)

I found myself bold and naked in front of the what so called "real life". Truth just slaps on your face and before you can complain, you are dragged into another realm of austerity and monstrosity.

Let me explain what "real life" is based on my own experience. It is the stage when you pass from graduation to work, or the time you stay home thinking that you're on a vacation 'cause you just graduated, and eventually you learn that you're becoming a bum because you still haven't found a job.

The "real life" is when you find yourself a job that you don't like, and you're forced to go to it everyday, doing the same old stuff, a routine of the papers to sign, the assignment to finish, the clients to attend to.

Sometimes, "real life" is when you've done everything in your power to finish something, or accomplish something and no one is there to tell you that they are proud of you, or that they are happy for you. It's like everything you've done to have such fulfillment is worthless.

In some ways, it is when you don't talk because you don't know the right words, so you show it in your eyes but then the people who you would want to understand, don't see it or feel it. So you pretend to be ok, for the sake of having a simple and easy life ahead of you.

It's satirical how they call it "real life" when most of the time the things/people around you aren't real to begin with. The people from the "real life" are the ones who would want to see you plunged into failure, the ones expecting you to be submersed in agony and suffer defeat. Why then is it called "real life"? Weird huh?!

I am a free soul. My body and my mind are stuck in this breadth of human assailment and pugnacity, yet my soul is lanced into this philantrophic and chivalrous ground. A real world of real people, real souls, mind and heart. Where is that place?

The faineance of my wicked soul

2006-05-19T17:21:00.000+02:00

Aura: Warp

Venom: Leche Flan (a Filipino desert)

Tune: Silence

Today I woke up with a heavy head. It's already 6pm now and I still have that heavy head. I've been feeling sick and warped out today that I seem to forget my own thoughts as well. I don't think this is good...

Mom left for Amsterdam yesterday. I wish I could go with her, but unfortunately I have work and I have to finish a script for a play by the end of May, which I don't think I can do. So basically I'm starting things with the wrong foot... But yeah, about mom and Amsterdam... I asked her to bring me some pot, but since she was taking the plane, she told me she'll try but not sure if she can bring them. Now that I think about it, I just asked my mom for marijuana. I didn't realize it till now, 'cause Marta was shocked when I told her about it. (Marta is an American friend of mine)

It didn't hit my super slow brain, and for a minute I looked at Marta as if to tell her :"Why what's wrong?" Ok now I get what was REALLY wrong.. I was not cognizant for those who don't smoke pot.. Just kidding.. Alright so, first, normally people don't say they smoke pot to the world, ans second they don't ask their parents (especially their mothers) to get them pot. I must sound a little insane right now... I'm just having this terrible headache since yesterday and I feel so blonde...

Whatever, on my defense, I don't smoke pot.. Or well, you know.. I don't think I'm making any sense now..

Well, tomorrow is Saturday so I get to spend time with Alec and Einstein, and have enough time to doze off... I just hope I'm not this slow tomorrow. It's pretty bad 'cause today is already the second day of actual slowliness, and I don't want it to ruin my weekend.

This is Cherry's fault! If you're reading this, oh well, good. Hehehe.. Cherry and I are started to be friends since the first day we met... Hmmm.. Wait.. People usually become friends like that.. but yeah anyways, I'm not making sense again so I'll just continue the story... Ok so about Cherry, we've been friends for a bunch of years now... And eversince we knew each other, we always had our Thursday blues.. What the heck is that? It's like being into this sort of spatial pensiveness and drowsiness that sucks your brain cells out, and you just feel so slow and dumb. The medicine? There is none, that's the point! Che and I had to live with this sort of dumbness and passivity that sometimes we even cut classes just to stay in the condo and sleep or just gaze into nothing.

I lost the sense I was going to put in this blog... But yeah whatever it was, I don't think it was important anyways, for nothing important sticks into my head lately...

Quote of the day:

"Those who are slow to know suppose that slowness is the essence of knowledge"

Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

I like it!

Barcelona won!

2006-05-18T15:44:00.000+02:00

I was just talking to Wang last night regarding football. Yesterday's match was Barcelona vs. Arsenal. We knew Barcelona was going to win... Hahaha! And poor Jens Lehman got a red card! I should have bet big money on it!

Ok... My mood just changed.. I was just so euphoric few seconds ago, now that I remember, I'm in Italy and can't watch the Da Vinci Code in English! Isn't that stupid?! Grrr... Everything here is in Italian so what the heck?! I speak it fluently but I rather watch it in english! Not funny...

The Ferrari Museum, Modena, Italy

2006-05-18T10:27:00.000+02:00

The Ferrari 2002 model...

The first Ferrari ever made...

The second model... I'm thinking of licking one of these cars..
With Alec at the entrance of the Museum
The 2004 model.. It won 8 races around the world... Pretty sweet!!!
Nice nice nice... one of the latest models
Haaayyyy... How I wish I could have one of these cars
Miniature Ferraris
Yellow Ferrari

And I actually licked the Ferrari! Hahaha!

---------------------------------------------------

Aura: Energetic

Venom: KitKat Pop Choc

Tune: Buffalo Soldier (by Bob Marley)

I'm not really a Ferrari fanatic, yet when two sundays ago I went to visit my godmother in Modena (another Italian city), I had the opportunity to visit the Museum of Ferrari Cars for they make them there.

I was stunned! These cars were actually history! Though all you see is red, the cars speak for themselves! They are absolutely beautiful by their own, that even touching them seems a foolish idea. I was never an expert with cars, but just seeing these babies exposed there and knowing that they once had their own glory on the road, makes you think twice about Ferrari's splendor.

You might wonder... How does the Ferrari taste like? Oh man, it tastes great! Taste of victory... Absolutely glorious! Hahahaha

How does it feel?

2006-05-16T18:13:00.000+02:00

Aura: Crappy
Venom: Philadelphia cheese and bread
Tune: Bohemian Rhapsody (by Queen)

It feels like falling into a chasm with no ground. And you suddenly wake up realizing it was only a dream. Yet you heart is beating fast and you're perspirating without control. You wait a minute to see if you'll fall back to sleep, but your attention has been maundering around the room. You close your eyes and force yourself to doze off. Trying to recall your dream or the fall you just felt, would lead you into more wandering, but concealing that you're ok is more tedious.

Sometimes you feel like you've been awakening ignorance, vindicating the concealed irony of life.
You are jesting behind your hidden thoughts and you find yourself withdrawn by the things you would want to do. And yes, irony takes its place. What a deadly joke! You deceive yourself by showing off the things that you think you can do, and at last, you realize that the mockery is on you.

There are times you feel blissful, then you feel repulsed and sickened. You get water, but it won't help. White spots of rage swim in your vision, and then you know you're lost in controlling your body.

How does it feel?

It's like standing up too fast that your brain didn't catch the motion and you feel dizzy. Blood rushes up to your head like a big blow.

It's like talking but no words come out of your mouth, so people ignore you because they can't hear you, and sometimes they don't even see you.

I hate feeling all these. When I'm out there, somewhere in my head, in my own little space, I know I'm caught into a realm of sublimity and perplexity. It's when you know you were going to say something or do something really important but then you totally forget it, and the moment is lost forever.

It's a whirlwind of thoughts and chaos, and you're simply adrift in the balance.... If someone can just pull you out of it, then you'll be emancipated by the affliction of life.

I hate to be where I haven't lived my thoughts deeply, for it never expands veracity beyond itself.

Niece, France

2006-05-15T15:57:00.000+02:00

The simplicity of Niece's beach

Montecarlo, Monaco

Where Grace Kelly got married...
On the way to Montecarlo, Monaco
Niece, Cote d'Azul
Alec and i tried to be a little creative with my mom's digital camera..
A glimpse of Niece...
Though it wasn't summer yet, we took our clothes off and went sunbathing by the French Coast... Admiring the sea...
Alec and his grandmother (or meme) Maria... She's super sweet!
Taking a break from a long walk around the coast
Hehe.. A pervert salivating at some topless girls...
The French Sky
The Beach.. Most of the women were topless.. We took pics of them but couldn't post it
Alec pissed 'coz i took a picture of him.. hehe.. sorry baby but you're sooo cute!

----------------------------------------

Aura: Content

Venom: Sushi

Tune: Silence (can't find my ipod!!! grrr!!!)

Our trip wasn't scheduled 'till a week from the departure. We found out that Alec's grandmother was back in Niece, and that she was leaving on the first week of May. So we found ourselves planning a trip to Niece, France without any intendment. We embarked on a Eurostar train on April 28 at 11.30pm, spent our Friday night on it, and found ourselves in Niece the following morning. Thanks to the demand of affluence in Europe, our trip was safe, comfortable and cushy! (Hmp! I just made some good commercials here! haha)

Meme picked us up at the train station. She's a lovely woman, very gracious and elegant in her own little way. We couldn't have enjoyed Niece without her.

Anyways, we spent our mornings on the beach and after we had lunch we went to downtown Niece. It was breathtaking! On our last day, which was May 1, we went to Montecarlo, Monaco. The view was fantastic!

Niece is actually Alec's homeland. We passed by his great grandparents' house, saw where his dad spent his childhood days, where his grandparents got married. It was a divulgence for Alec... An enlightnment beyond words. Simply being there elucidated everything...

Southern France might be a little less posh than Paris, yet the lifestyle, the terrific view and the beach made Niece simple yet elegantly intertwined with luxury. (how redundant! hehe)

Oh by the way, as we spent our mornings at the coast, there were sooooo many topless girls! Some were really hot, some young, some very old! (yikees!) Alec was mesmerized! His eyes were magnetized by those boobies! Hahahaha. I wanted to upload some pics of the topless girls, but I'm afraid that I can't do that here in the blog, so nevermind!

Venice

2006-05-14T22:12:00.000+02:00

Aura: Warped
Venom: Green Grapes
Tune: Alec's whining

Alec and I went to Venice few weeks ago.. Unfortunately I was not able to post the pics agad... So anyways, here they are.. I tried to be creative with some shots... Hehe I'm a frustrated photographer... Wull... Ahh.. I don't know.. I guess I'm too tired to explain or make any excuses... Or perhaps I'm just too sleppy...

A homage to Padua: my childhood home

2006-05-12T16:27:00.000+02:00

Aura: Nostalgic
Venom: Ice Tea
Tune: Under the Bridge (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

I actually never posted any picture of the city where I grew up. It's pretty sad, for Padua is really a beautiful city, but since I got used to see the splendor of my city everyday, it made me unaware and indifferent of the sublimity just in front of me. Here is Prato della Valle, it is one of the biggest parks in Europe. It's oval, sorrounded by water and statues of important italian characters in history... Here I usually go rollerblading or biking during summer.

As I look at this huge park, I see myself. I'm eight years old. I'm a girl enchanted. I revoke smelling cotton candy and catching the reverberation of the rides which took place every summer. Here all of enjoyment is being captured by the roller coasters, the house of the witch, balloons, candies, an Italian sweet that they sell by the street called Fritelle and more kids. For my eight-year-old self, who could deduct euphoria from a cotton candy, this place was like an enchanted oasis where the colors are bleaming and the air ambrosial.

Now it all seems a stubbornly incessant illusion. I sprint myself back to reality, and I'm twenty, working my way up to have a settled life. I now apprehend that my soul remained over this place where more than once I enjoyed myself. It's not just part of my childhood memory, but a domain that is left within me.

It's disappointing how aloof and unconcerned I became as I grew up, especially regarding the city I once spent my late childhood days. It's ironic, really. I love travelling, going around places and spending years somewhere new. Yet, all my indulgences are homey ones: my room here in Padua, the italian pasta and language, the steady fuss of my house. I guess, something within me never grew up. And hopefully never will.

An anamnesis of old times (thanks to Pinback)

2006-05-11T17:42:00.000+02:00

Aura: Enthralled

Venom: Cereals and milk

Tune: Penelope (by Pinback)

I know it's not morning anymore, but the last thing I ate was actually cereals... Conspicuously, thanks to my boyfriend and Einstein, I'm loving milk more and more... Odd but true, I always hated milk...
Ok.. I'm currently listening to Pinback, and I just miss my friends in Pinas! I remember when Jay Rogoff introduced this song to Alec and me.. It sounded weird at first, but when it reached the chorus, shit, the song was awesome! Then eventually, Alec introduced this song to JC and Maggie, and they loved it too. Afterwards, I let Cherry hear it, and she fell in the ritual as well... We were all mesmerized by this song. Haha! Thanks Jay!!!
I am currently in a trance of bringing back old memories.. Damn it! But yeah, I am reminiscencing the time when some of my barkada and Alec's went to Punta Fuego last year.. And on the way there, we were just listening to Pinback, so I guess you can depicture how addicted and hooked we were... We were pretty preposterous and wacky... To the point of drawing all over Nina's body with lipstick.. Sorry for that Nina! :)
My logic has just been retrograded by my brain cells so I'm not really thinking straight.. Whaaaa!! I damn miss the Philippines! My friends! The beach!

By the way, today's the 11th, so Happy Monthsary Alec... It's been almost two years now.. I love you so much!

An incumbent poetry of my soul

2006-05-10T10:11:00.000+02:00

Aura: Apathetic
Venom: Water
Tune: Fix You (by Coldplay)

It seemed like a blast to me, a sudden blow that left me perplexed...

My whole life seemed to get to this point of no turning back. Maybe now I really see the puzzle that I have once initiated. At this point I might have denied myself to be part of the main substance, and for once I see myself watching things turn over for me. I neglected myself to see the essential elements, which now makes me unredeemed of the flow of actual events and the ephemeral transition of my desires.

I guess I should have been more tenacious in conjencting my thoughts into reality, and perhaps the greatest weakness is my failure to embrace them. It's scary how sometimes affliction can annihilate every source of energy in your body, and then suddenly you see yourself crippled within. No words are actually needed. It contradicts what I should have seen as assertive or audacious, and for once I'm lost in the upheaval.

Am I dismayed? I think I am, and the worst thing is that I didn't know that. With all the notions coming through my head like the boredom and the swiftness of consequences, it totally made me forget how things can be easily subjected to reality and furthermore, to solutions. A grotesque folly, a lark which cost me a regret or two when I came to think it over and observe effects.

The most conceivable substance in my case is perhaps persistence, which is omnipotent by itself. The progression of life should flow, and I just hope I'm not too late to ratify the misdeem of the actual puzzle I once was in. A puzzle which without a piece, is abridged. In the long run, perhaps I am the missing piece of the puzzle...

This is the poetry of my life I guess... fettered poetry, incongruent to the proliferatation of iniquity.

Inscription for Einstein: The god of frolic

2006-05-09T18:37:00.000+02:00

He looks like a snowball, with his tongue sticking out all the time
His favorite pastime is eating
He loves milk as much as his foremost master does
With his innocous eyes, he looks at me so attentively
And rubs his nose to my clothes

With the exception of Alec,
there is nothing on earth so necessary to the comfort of my puppy...
He listens to me while I talk of myself
and keeps an appearance of being interested in the blab

He is the uninhibited creature,
incredibly uncomplicated and lighthearted
makes me smile and laugh all the time...

My Einstein, unquestionably the god of frolic

Vehemet genesis

2006-05-09T10:08:00.000+02:00

Aura: Moody
Venom: Aspirin and ice tea
Tune: Silence

Rain rain go away....
Weather sucks yet beautifully meandered with my mood
Immutable conspiracy of a chronicle

The rationality of a blog?
To keep the sanity burning from the prairie of my soul
Destined for contingency and bond for greater venture

Globules of water falling on the ground
Awakening the urge to write
Calling forth the passion within

A Tuesday morning of fleetness and roaring people
Everyone's cursed to run into the depths of endeavor
The multitude of masses spinning around the corner
And here I am, driven to write.. write... write...