Do you want to know?

Do you really want to know?

Yes, I'm back.


Now, fuck off! =)

Feel.Shout.Dream.Live

I'm happy. I finally was able to understand myself. As a mother, as a woman, and especially, as a person.

I grew up in a world where people would expect so much from me. If something went wrong with my life, I would be judged and sentenced to death. Literally. I was once given the warning of being killed if I would make a drastic decision. Even if I just dared to speak up about it my daughter and I will be killed. I am NOT kidding, that was a real threat from someone close to me!

It is hard to grow up knowing that you always have to prove yourself to others, especially to those people that are close to you, or strangely, even related to you. Isn't family supposed to accept you for who you are? Just a question I'm pondering about.

And in this moment of my life, I am struggling to break free from whatever limitations was given to me in being the person that I really am. I finally found myself, and I know I could do so much more with my life.

They say that at one point in your life you will just lose it, go to a crisis that becomes unbearable even to live. But I now stand and I can still shout "Yes!" to love, to life, to eternity.

Lastly, there are some things I learned during my stay here:

1. I don't need to explain myself to anybody, my friends don't need it, and of course my enemies won't believe it anyway, so why bother?

2. I'd rather be hated for what I really am than be loved for what I am not.

For those who are wondering what's happening, you will find out soon. For those who don't care, the better.

Now I can truly be me. And yes, I am HAPPY.

Forsaken children of men (or monkey?)

Why on earth would you read my blog, have interest in my life, and say you understand what I have gone through or what I really feel? Didn't I tell you that I want you out of my life? FOREVER? Please spare me the bullcrap.

Now I really don't like fighting. Not with you, not with anyone else. But please will you just forget we know each other and live our life the way we should?

I don't usually get mad. It's hard for me to really hate someone. I have to say that I am a very peaceful person. But I don't like rascals. I don't like people saying shit about others. I already had the security againts defeat and it lies in my hands, now I just want to be left alone. I don't want your compassion, your understanding, and mostly, your friendship.

What I write in my blog are my thoughts, my experiences and what I feel. If you want to read it, I can't stop you. But spare to make comments on people you don't know. And spare the judgement. I don't care.

But thanks for the time. You just proved to me what you've been proving all these years, to be a goddamn hypocrite. I'd rather be a sinner than someone like you.

YOU

Losing you would be like losing my breath, knowing that my heart won't beat anymore.

As I close my eyes I see you. In the car, on the street, holding your drink, laughing with me...

Your eyes fixed on me, a chill down my spine. I remember the days when we used to talk about anything under the sun. It never felt so right. It was hard for me to babble and I felt bashful like a child.

You are a desire that was never wished for, looked for, but nevertheless, wanted from my soul. Every moment without you seem lost to me, you make me feel wanted.

Forgetting won't help, and there is no other remedy to love but to love more. It is beautiful to be loved, but even more beautiful to love you. After all there is hope.

I will find your smile among the people, and the moment you press your lips against mine I will know that it is worth waiting a thousand years for.

You and only you can make me feel this way. Only you can make me feel like I'm immortal in love.

hypothetical evolutionary psyche

"You know when our parents say that life is hard, that is an understatement." - Alec



What am I doing? Am I really living my life? Am I living it with my soul? Am I living for others?



Along the path, I lost my religion. The true religion of the children of men, which is based on empathy and the fundamental principles of humanity and compassion. I don't know anymore if my morality has the capacity to enhance the natural wave of my life or it is made to destruct what has once been there. I don't know where I am leading the self-invested me, which seemed to have lost even the smallest battlefield of life.



Have I really lost the frugal mind of my soul? Have I loved my life for me not to endure sorrow in my death?



How am I to live peacefully when abhorrence and fear is in the depth of my existence? Revenge is dominating the blood that runs in my veins, loathing and repulsion sticks my heart as if there is no tomorrow.



Yet, in all this complexion and paradox, I continue to love and be in love. It brings ecstacy to my soul, it leads me upwards to heaven. It is something worth living and dying a thousand times for. I love my past. Even though I was restless and consumed by pity, I don't regret and I'm not ashamed because for once in my life someone has accepted me, namely, loved me, the whole me. The courage to admit this came from me, I overcame the danger of it, the lies. For once in my life, I was accepted for who I really am, for what I want to become, for my mistakes, for my weaknesses.

And through this I am not afraid. I just wait to begin to live and dying may be just a part of it. I wouldn't want my soul to live an obsolete life, for it has the power to give me an earthly death.

Life is nothing but an empty dream...

Love me or hate me? Love/hate me?

"You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul" - Julie de Laspinasse

This is what my ex-boyfriend feels for me. At least as I understood it. He hates me, loves me, hates me, loves me, in a complicated way that just makes me dizzy. Anyways, I got the chance to clear up things, at least for me.

I have learned a few things.

First, you make decisions in your life and you stick with it. Some people they just regret making that decision, they fall, feel the mud in their face, roll back up, and start walking again. They learn. They move on. And yes, bitter as it sounds, but that's life baby! Bring it on! So i knew that... way before. It happened to me, I even tasted mud (metaphorically speaking) and it is not nice believe me! :) I just discovered that some people cannot do that. They fall on the mud, and they stick to it. They roll on it, lay down on it... They actually linger on it! They just can't move. And once they do, they're different. I mean they become negative people, those who have a negative view on life. That's sad. I mean, it's OK to change, but for the better.

Moving on, I learned how pathetic the human being could be. Why are we the most complicated being on the face of the earth..? That I would never understand.

So anyways, about the love/hate-hate/love feelings, could it possibly be because we cannot help but loving those who destroy us? Or maybe some people hate someone they really wish to love, but whom they cannot love. Maybe they prevent it and that could be another disguised form of love. Or maybe just because love is concealed, then hate takes place.

I don't know which of these are my ex's reasons, but for sure he has good ones. I was just shocked to find out he's still not over it after all these years. I really thought he was ok already... Until now he still lingers at the times we were together, still remembers our dreams and whatever we had during our short relationship. I just can't believe some people can't let it go. It was hard for me too, but I had to bite my lip, accept the consequences of my so-stupid decisions, accept things that I cannot change and move on. I pulled up the sleeves on my arms and worked it out the best possible way. I didn't want to ruin my life just because I made a mistake. I might have lost, but I certainly had to fight back. Maybe that's the difference. I grew strong and became a fighter.. And now I just have the most amazing guy in the world and the most beautiful daughter a woman could have :) I'm lucky. And this is all because I fought back.

*yiy!*

a little bit of this....

There is something really screwed up with blogger..

Anyways, been gone for a week.. Went to San Francisco to fix everything we could so that we could move in there. Alec's already there, Amanda and I will follow hopefully by the end of the year.

Loved it there.. The weather is pretty f*cked up though, but I loved it still the same.. San Francisco is so classy and chic you just want to live there. Sausalito is even better. The view from its hills is amazing! Guess I found home in a new country...

I'm gonna write down some non-sense thoughts.. It's already 2.30am and I'm still not sleepy so I'll just blog.. Hehe

Ok.. so.. this is hilarious! Checked my friendster and replied to a bunch of friends.. And then I just happened to check this old friend of mine's account.. Goodness! What the hell is wrong with her? I'll give you a background check to clarify things: she's a small little brat who is over confident and gets away with the wrongdoing that she does to other people.. I have to say she's smart but nonetheless, not smart enough to look at herself in the mirror and have a conscience inspection. Her pictures are waaaay to vain. I seriously laughed at the sight of her face in different angles with her arm stretching upwards so that she can hold the camera, or maybe it was her phone! I dunno and I don't care... It was just funny.. Seeing her being fixated by today's fancy trends! Hehehehe.. i think she once told me: "I am not like them, I don't care, and I don't want to be dependent!" Whatever...

Another funny thing.. A friend of mine told me that my ex boyfriend checks my friendster and my blog... And by seeing that I write stuff online, he too started a blog.. What the hell? Who cares! And about having a kid... You lied man.. I know! Get over with it...

Period.

Meeting Desi in Venice

Oh yeah.. It's carnival season in Venice.. I went there last Saturday, left Am
anda with my mom and hit the road with Alec and with a desperate need to see Desi. She called me the day before to inform me that her group and her sister were going to Venice and that it would be nice to meet up since we live 30 km away from it. This time it was only me and Alec. It was nice, though it was drizzling a little, we felt the place and the moment. It was like we were in our honeymoon. (hehe)

Desi said she will be at San Marco by 1pm. We arrived early, so we thought of walking even though it was raining. And as we walked, we started taking pictures of Venice's beautiful streets once again..


We arrived at San Marco at exactly 1pm. Obviously Desi is late (she is still Filipina!) San Marco was full of people. Children playing, tourists taking pictures, old women sipping their warm coffee. But what was really enchanting were the costumes...

This is actually a guy

Moster Sulley went crazy

Finally we were able to meet up with desi at around 2pm...


After having hot chocolate and small talks, Alec and I headed home...

Amanda

... they said she looks like her father.... but I don't think so... she got her eyes from me...

Twirl of distraction

Updates of our "European" life: 1

Today Amanda had her first solid meal. Alec mashed a piece of red apple and she totally liked it. I thought we would have a hard time introducing her to a new texture (she loooooves milk!), but I was wrong. The outcome was very nice.

Alec and I are soooo excited because our iMac is arriving tomorrow. We've been wanting to get a Mac for the longest time since we moved here to Italy. Well, I hope he can sleep tonight. Knowing Alec, when he gets excited over something, haaaayyyy.... He just won't stop talking about it. Hehe

Einstein's good. He poops once a day nalang, unlike before, and he doesn't piss inside the house anymore (finally!).

New Year and Alec's bday was sweet! We spent it at my uncle's house with a bunch of family friends from Germany. They were funny and very nice to be with. We played some games and had a wonderful dinner (tita Rocel's mushrooms were the best and Mom's fruit cake was awesome!) I mostly enjoyed it coz I took tons of pictures and videos with my new cam! *wink*

Oh, Amanda's troller is the one for toddlers na, unlike before she was using the one for infants. Since she can hold her head up and wants to see what is outside the stroller, we sat her on the stroller chair, giving her a good view of who is pushing the stroller and what is beyond it. She's sooo cute, with her little jacket... Ok I'm being too much of a mom now..

Another thing about Amanding, she has a new stuffed toy, it's a muse, it has a scarf, and his name is Franco. Oh yeah, he's gay and has a crush on kuya Einstein. He teaches Amanda to vocalize so that she can improve her singing. Ok, now I totally sound crazy. Forgive me, I think when you become a mother you become a little bit krung krung in the head. I think it's one of the major Laws of Nature.

On Epifany, we celebrate the coming of the witch (don't ask, I don't know why! I have to research about this). So we bought nuga, or torrone in Italian, and caramelized almond. Ohhh it was sooo good I kind of palpitated. Plus all the Lindor chocolates Alec got for his birthday! I hope you all know what Lindors are... They are those round chocolates wrapped like candies that melt automatically in your mouth once the saliva reaches it. I only have one word for Lindor chocolates, ORGASMIC!

That's it for the moment. Will update more regarding our life here in Europe. I STILL miss Pinas, I STILL love chocolates and this is STILL Nads. Hehe. *cheers!*

A past midnight post

It's 2 am. I can't sleep.

New Year is coming up. I'm excited yet nostalgic. Many things happened in 2006 and my life took a different direction. I packed my things, left the Philippines with my fiancee and moved to Italy for almost a year now. Amanda was born and now I'm eager to know where destiny is bringing me. In a few months I know I'll be somewhere else, doing something else. I just wait for the opportunity.

What did I learn this year? I think what really hit me was that having a family of your own is not as simple as it looks like, and that patience is the solution to everything. I learned that motherhood makes you more humble, makes you understand how love can be so undying. I learned to appreciate more what I have. I got to know myself better. I got to know who my true friends are. I learned to let go. I got hurt and humiliated, I cried and felt pity for myself, but at the end I learned to accept the pain, so I stood up and put my head up.

A while ago I couldn't breath properly. I knew something was bothering me. I knew something was wrong. So I thought of the things that made my heart ache. I thought of lost friendships, of misunderstandings, of love. And before I wrote this post, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I started writing. And while doing this, I just let it all go.

Now I can sleep again. Goodnight world!

So what?

I just had my first Christmas with my own family. It feels wonderful.

My mom read my blog (damn!) and she bought me a cam for Xmas! Well, she knows I want a camera, but she never thought of buying me one. Can't ask for more. It's a canon ixus. Super nice.

I learned Photoshop.. Just the basic stuff. Gosh I love it! So Marla, you really have to teach me! hehehe. I'm going praning here!

To sum it all up, my Christmas went fine, and I hope it continues like this till New Year and Alec's bday.

Me and Fr. Dennis on Xmas day
Photo taken by AAS
Edited by *me*

Well, Merry Christmas to everybody!

The day I lost my brother...

I love my friends. And I sooo love my childhood friends. They're like siblings to me.

When I left the Philippines for good I was 5 years old. That was a major heartbreak. I had to leave my friends behind. Patricia, Jenji and Sieg where the very best of all my childhood friends. It tore my heart knowing that I would not be sticking around them playing patintero or hide and seek anymore. We shared the same meal, even if it was just toyo and rice, we were in the same neighborhood, we shared toys and so more. Until now, I call Jenji's mother Mama, because she is very close to me. I just couldn't believe I would have to leave them behind.

I started having Italian friends, but I never forgot them. I knew someday I would go back and play with them like the old times. Years passed by and I went back. We were teenagers. We loved each other more. But we went to different universities giving us only weekends to spend time with each other. Patricia totally disappeared from the face of the earth. She moved from our place and we never saw her again. Jenji was still my closest friend, I would see her when I go home on weekends, and Sieg changed his name to Keso.

I would not see them every weekend, nor call them very often, but whenever I'm home in Laguna, I would go see them as soon as possible.

One day I made this big mistake of introducing Keso to a person. He betrayed me. I'd rather be killed than be betrayed by him for he is the very first friend in my life.

And that's the day I lost my brother. Forever.

I always wanted to play the piano. When I was 7 years old, I asked my mother if she could buy me one, even the cheapest electric piano available. I never got one. And the saddest thing is that I never learned to play it.

I am an only child. But I never felt I was. Maybe my mother thought that if I did, then I would turn out to be spoiled. Most of my toys were given at Christmas or my birthday. But never because I had high grades, or 'cause I passed an exam. Some of the things I wanted were bought with my own money, given by my uncles and aunts on my Bday or Xmas. Mom would just give me some cash like my uncles. The two things that she got me that really shocked me were the Barbie house when I was around 8 years old and the laptop that I am using right now. It's 3 years old, falling apart and needs to be replaced by a new one. But I guess I have to get it with my own money, and since I'm starting to get stable with my family (Alec and Amanda) I guess I simply won't be able to get it.

When I was a kid I dreamt that one day I will be pretty. No one told me I was pretty or beautiful. Oh, one exception. My grandmother. She was the only one who complimented me. After her, no one from my family. Only later when I started dating. I felt that I was ugly, that guys don't like me. In grade school I was one of the tallest. I reached high school and my height was mediocre. I felt shattered.

I knew I was alone in a way. Yes, I had my mom and my family, but to have a reliable self-esteem, I had to depend on myself. I couldn't just feel sorry for myself. I knew I had to work my ass off to be someone better.

When I was 14 I had this crazy idea of taking photography class. But mom told me that art doesn't lead you anywhere. It is nice to appreciate it and make it as a hobby, but not to really be an artist as a profession. Though I paint, it is because it's my hobby and that's it. Only now I'm learning photography, by reading some articles and with Alec explaining me the different shots. I want a camera but I guess like the laptop, it will take me years before I could get one.

Earlier I asked Alec if he thinks I am a good daughter. I feel like I am selfish, for wanting more than I have. And I feel stupid because whatever I do, my mom never seems to be satisfied. With the socks I bought, with the meat that had to be cut, how I take care of my daughter, how I wash her clothes. If there's nothing wrong with what I do, then it is not enough. She always seems to find a way to pinpoint a black mark on what I do. I just make rough comments and walk out most of the time, but then my heart cries. What did I do to deserve this? Maybe because she thinks I am "tamad", or don't want to do anything. But unlike her, I have so much on my mind and pressure from doing what I should be doing that I start to be careless. Taking care of a child isn't easy. Being a "perfect daughter" is even harder.

Alec's answer to my question made me realize that yes, I am a good daughter. I know I am. And what makes me good is the love I have for my mom and my family, for letting all the things I wanted to get but never had pass and for accepting the things I cannot change. I am not perfect and I make mistakes like any human being, but I know I am good. (naks!)

Are these frustrations? Maybe. Am I angry? No I don't think so. Perhaps I just regret not following what I really wanted in life. I regret not insisting on that piano and the piano lessons. I regret not asking my mother for some toys because I got a perfect score. I regret not asking her if I was pretty. I regret not taking photography class. I regret not being the best I could be.

Saturated picto-blue

I soooo love blue... Is it obvious? *wink*

Something...

I am actually down with exhaustion from conceptualizing Alec's short movie. We've done this before, but brainstorming is a lot easier with a bunch of friends helping you out. I always loved writing scripts. And once I get the spark, it will all flow naturally, as if the story has always been inside me, waiting to burst out.

And this is why I miss those dirtbags! (I mean my friends!) Since all of us went to the same school, spend our dull moments in Chowking and did many crazy things, we all have the same way of thinking. We say green jokes to each other, below the belt comments, be mean and call each other dirrrty names, but no one ends up being hurt or offended. We're simply bastards!

But most of it all, when it comes to problems, we would always end up gathering together and would help each other. And right now, I really need them to help me with this script! I am totally lost!

Alec's preference for the genre is psychological or whatever is f*cked up would be good. Basically I need a jist that would make sense to the story. So if any of you could just think of anything at all, stories that you heard that could help me with the script, or something that you experienced and would want to share it with me, feel free to post it at the comment box so that if ever something's up, I could incorporate it with the story, or perhaps it could simply wake up the spark inside me!

Grazie e arrivederci!

Lst Song Syndrome

WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

MY GIRL - The Temptations

I've got sunshine
On a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside,
I've got the month of May.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

I've got so much honey
The bees envy me.
I've got a sweeter songThan the birds in the trees.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

Ooooh, Hoooo.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

I don't need no money,
Fortune or fame.
I've got all the riches, baby,
One man can claim.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

Talkin' bout my girl.
I've got sushine on cloudy day
With my girl.
I've even got the month of MayWith my girl.

Dudayism, my theory of life

There are nights when I see myself being neurotic of life's surprises... And tonight is one of those nights... I can't force myself to sleep. I was surfing the internet till I found a blog of someone who is not my friend, not someone I say hi to, but someone who I simply know, and I'm pretty sure she knows me too.

As I see her pictures, I recall my college days, and I can't help myself but feel a glimpse of jelousy within me. The gimmiks I went to, the beer, the cigs, the smoke... All that meant to destruct my brain cells, and it was marvelous! And now, here I am, feeling like I'm 100 years older... 100 years wiser. I just laugh at myself thinking of how much fun I had during those days. It was fun. But it could not, and would not, last forever. I knew that eversince I stepped into the walls of my university. Today you're having the time of your life. tomorrow you have kid. Yesterday you were passing out in a friend's house, today you are seriously devoted to your job. Man, life surely knows how to make its twists.

It is only now that I understand what was essential in life.

One thing I learned is acceptance. I know it sounds weird, but ever since I was a kid, it was hard for me to... well.. just let it go.. to accept things for what they really are. When I reached my teenage years, I was more stubborn. That is when I touched the depth of teenage dilemma. I was free from the attention and spotlight focused on me in Italy. I made myself out, and yes, for once I felt free. I could be the bad girl, the nasty one, the liberated, out-of-her-mind kind of type... I had the absolute choice of who I wanted to be. I was in search of what I could call "home". Then it hit me. Home was my family, but the problem was that I never got to accept it as MY family. Acceptance can be harsh sometimes, but it is worth the try.

Smile. When someone would take a picture of me, I never knew how to smile. Should it be a big smile? Do I have to show my teeth? Or just a small smile? Maybe a forced smile? One important thing I learned is to smile like you just had the best time of your life. Smile to relatives, to your friends, to your enemies. Don't make them feel like they are worthless, because they taught (or they will teach) you something important. And yes, smile at your enemies too.

You have plenty of friends but keep the ones that are true to you. True friends are priceless.

If you're loyal and honest, it would make you vulnerable. It doesn't matter! Be loyal and honest. Telling even the smallest lie will make your life miserable. Believe me, I tested it.

Run, as fast and as far as you can. Feel the energy within your body and appreciate it. You won't be young forever, take advantage of it.

Appreciate what you have. I know it's hard, but try. I have the crappiest laptop ever, but I love it, not only because it was a bday gift from my mom, but because it still works.

Talk to yourself. Shout, cry, laugh, feel free in front of a mirror. That is the best way to resolve an issue within yourself.

You can have kids, or not have any. Doesn't matter. Groove on childhood, for it is when fantasy and reality are combined.

Respect and love your parents. No matter what happens, you will find them behind your back to support you. If you had a hard childhood, thank them because they made you stronger. If your parents are separated, thank them because you know that when you will have your own family, you will know how to avoid a split-up. If they abused you, thank them because you can send someone to hell. They are the link to your past, whether it was painful or a happy one.

Pray. No matter what religion you believe in, never forget to pray and be thankful for the life God has given you. If you do not believe in any religion and prayers, then make a mental note to be thankful for breathing.

Write. I have a blog because in times like this I just want to write. You'll feel better to just let your thoughts out. It could be a blog, a journal, a diary, a piece of paper; doesn't matter what surface, just write to liberate your brain.

Love with all your heart. Don't think twice. If you love someone, risk your heart. It could end up being broken, you could find yourself picking up the pieces, but go for it. It is better to have tried than to wonder what could have happened if...

Forgive. The hardest thing to learn. Big or small, a sin will always be a sin. Forgiveness cradles the soft line between goodness and evil. Forgive, because one day, you could be the one begging for it.

Believe. What is more important is that you believe you can do this.

An Open Letter for my daughter

Dear Amanda,

I know it will take years before you could read this letter. But consider this as a guide, or answers to the many questions that one day you will ask me.

Each day you wake up wondering at the faces that peer down at you. You wonder why we open our mouths, make weird noises and giggle whenever you smile at us. Let me explain you, Amanda, who we are and why we are here, feeding you, changing your diaper, and carrying you till you fall asleep.

Family is a refuge in a heartless world. We are strange people all mixed up together, living under the same roof, sharing toothpaste, fighting over the pettiest things, hiding money or chips from each other. We laugh, share, defend, contradict and love each other. Family is protection and security. What bounds us all together is love and care. Family, Amanda, is home.

Alec and I are your parents, and as parents we nurse and love you more than anything else in this world Amanda. You cry in the middle of the night, I feed you and your father burps you so that you won't have gas in your little tummy. He sits down and holds you, sometimes he even falls asleep while sitting down. But we don't mind that because we love you. That is why we are here, Amanda. To love you with all our heart.

You father, Alec, is a young man filled with dreams and good intentions. He might have some faults too, but he loves you immensely, and will do his best for you to grow up within a safe haven. Eventually when you grow up, you'll see that he will be your guide, your examplar and friend. He is a good man, but sometimes he is misunderstood. You will understand this when you're older. He'll be there whenever you need him and I promise you, Amanda that he'll give his best to make us both happy.

I am your mother, Amanda. The moment you were born, I was also born to be your mother. Me as a mother, never existed before. I was a lady, who used to be carefree with life; I demanded independence and autonomy, I was vain, stubborn and I never let myself defeated by anyone. I underestimated many things in my life. But you changed me, Amanda. You made me selfless. I can give my soul out just for you to be ok, healthy and safe.

You have your grandparents. Your nonna Cecil, who is always at your side whenever you cry at dawn, is someone who is willing to tire herself while holding you and calming you down. Your grandmother is a very loving person, Amanda. She does not express herself too much, but she is the mere example of undying love. She is a strong person, she is a warrior that never fails to be there in times of need. She is the most giving person you will ever know.

You have your grandparents from your father's side. Lola Tonette is very sweet. You might not hear her voice or see her like you do with us because right now she is far from us. But she is a kind person to be with, Amanda. She is very sophisticated and gentle. She knows how to handle problems. Like your nonna Cecil, she is strong yet humble at the same time. She got through a lot too, but she is still there, waiting to hold you in her arms.

This is your family Amanda. One thing I learned while growing up is that you don't get to choose your family, but only to accept them.

Welcome to this family. We love you, Amanda, and I promise you that we will do our best to give you a happy and peaceful life.

Mommy

After the end

I woke up in the middle of the night with fragmented thoughts. No knowing why, I closed my eyes. Then, I remember...

I grew up in a home where people believed in the mystery of faith and nature's mystification. We believe in what is seen, or better said, what is not seen beyond the natural course of human life. Since I grew up in Italy,I was not too exposed about these kind of "stuff" until I started living in the Philippines again.

ONE

It started when I got home from the airport and I saw a man I did not know walking in our kitchen. I thought he could be one of the guys working for my grandfather, so I did not ask. Hours passed and I saw him again, but this time he was leaving our house. He stood outside the gate and stayed there for a few minutes, facing the floor. I shrugged and let him be.

FOUR

I got home from my tita's house when four men in their 40's were in our garden. They were farmers, I could tell by the clothes they were wearing. Again, I thought they were workers or perhaps some of my grandpa's friends.

DEJA VOU'

The wind was overpowering and I was restless. There was a typhoon at that time. Everyone seemed to be frantic and panicking. I did not know what was going on. My titas were hysterical and one of them was praying. I knew it already happened. But when? I cannot recall. I close my eyes. I knew what was next. I knew I would scream in a matter of seconds, but I couldn't remember why.

THE MEN

As I scream, I point my finger towards the garden. There was a bunch of men in our garden. They were all looking at me as if it was the first time they ever saw a girl. And they were leaning. I could hear them whisper. I could smell filth. My aunt held my hand and massaged it while saying a prayer. I shut my eyes.

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

They were gone. I never knew why they came, what they wanted. I felt that they were different from me, from my family, from us. There was a strange feeling, and the creeps was still there after they were gone. I knew I looked like a fool in front of my family, but in an odd way, they knew everything. I did not need to explain, nor describe what I saw. They simply knew. I asked if they saw them too, they said they didn't. I was confused, until I realized that I was gifted. I'm not the only one in the family, and it scared me. I never saw the men again.


It is a wonder what comes after death. No one can really know or explain. In my family, the concept of heaven and hell is highly believed in. But its dogmatism is still unexplainable. What is there to believe after we all die? Maybe there is no belief, or light, or heaven. Or maybe there is limbo. Or maybe we simply disappear.

Through my experiences with the unknown, I have learned that time is nothing. Death will come, and here we are waiting for it with our life. After the end, there is us, maybe a better us, a worst us, here, or there. But after everything, there is our being. A ghost? Reincarnation? Heaven and hell? Limbo? It doesn't really matter. We leave our bodies rotten, but our core, our being, will always be present. After the end, there is us, free.

My new life, an introduction

I feel euphoric. I never thought being a mother could give you so much joy. A smile, a glimpse, a cry, makes my heart melt. Everything that my baby girl does is amusing. Sometimes I just find myself staring at her for no apparent reason. I study her face. She really looks like her father. Is there a logic, a rule for all these feelings? It is such a humble delight to have her, hold her, be with her.

Oh, I guess happiness does exist after all. Satisfaction is merely a part of it.

I look at Alec and Amanda and I feast on my life.

Things I found out

I found out how I can make champorado! It's been ages since I ate a bowl of good, warm, chocolaty champorado with tuyo. And I miss it terribly. So anyway, I got Quaker Oats, put some milk, sugar and chocolate syrup. Boil and stir for a minute, and there you go! Champorado Express! Unfortunately I don't have tuyo, which makes it "kulang", but then I'm pretty satisfied with the outcome! Yay!

Another thing I found out this week. Amanda loves the band The Temptations. Whenever she hears the songs Just my Imagination and My Girl, she calms down and listens with huge eyes. She adores them. I don't know why. Then I found out that my grandmother used to like them as well. Could she be her reincarnation? Haha. That would be weird.

The last thing I discovered in the past week is how Einstein, our dog, can be so scared of the indoor clothes line. It really freaks him out and I think I know why. I remember one time the clothes line almost fell on him making a huge, irritating sound. So the dog freaked out and started barking at it. I never thought he would endure trauma by it. However, he's still so cute because everytime I touch the clothes line, he would run away and bark at it. Now I know how to scare him if he's too makulit. Haha!

Oh, did you know that when a baby has hick ups (is the spelling right?) or sinok, you have to put a small piece of white cloth on her forehead? Because I didn't.

Nostaligic of homeland

September has never been more beautiful. The weather is perfect, it's getting cold since autumn is approaching, the leaves are turning brown, and it's time to get out of the stock room the long sleeves and jackets we stored. I've been going to a park near the house with Dada, Alec and our dog, Einstein. It's nice to just sit on a bench and talk about anything that comes up to your mind. Last time we went to the park, Alec and I bought a pack of biscuits, two newly baked chocolate croissants and milk. We ate in the park while the dog kept running around us and Dada sleeping in her stroller. It was nice. It's so... European!

But how I miss the Philippines! I grew up loving her. As my mom puts it, Walang gaganda pa sa Pilipinas. I surely agree. But at the same time I pity her. She has so much to go through, so much to understand and learn. Her politics is compromised and corrupted, her people is starving for justice and constitutionality is abnegated. She is lost among the bribery and fiddling of her own people. I look back at the homeland my mother and I left many years ago, and my heart just sinks.

Nothing is the same and nothing will ever be. Our small town in the vicinity of Calamba city is wracked. It used to be a major sugar supplier but now it is a hell hole. Its electricity is weak, the streets are screwed up and the water supply is insufficient for those who are left there. I still remember the small chapel near our house where my Grandma would bring me for the "paalay" and the big factory where my Grandfather used to work. But know it's all rotten. It is at times like this that a cry for justice inside me surges. What happened to the small town of mine is the same thing that the Philippines is currently enduring.

And for the second time in my life, I am guilty of commiting the same mistake again: going back to her with all my heart. I have never regreted making this mistake and maybe I never will. I will always look back and I will always know that once in my life I know where I am truly happy: in her arms. Nothing will ever compare to the warmness of her embrace.

Pilipinas, babalkan kita!

Grandma

As I was browsing an old blog of mine, I found a poem I wrote for my grandmother. She passed away two years ago, on September 11, 2004.

FOREVER BEAUTIFUL

Undefined struggles
The forces innate in me
Unrevealed by the soft pillow of capacity
the shadow of fear
When you called me my dear
The truthfulness of the word,
whispered in my ear
Where is the raindrop falling from Heaven's gate?
Assured by the saddest belief
Shall I travel and not fear?
Closed casket in front of me
I approach the sorrow indeed
You wave from the window
The endearment of your soul
Lost love that once was yours
Curls heading the back of your head,
swallowed by the majesty of your womanhood
I shall see,
Forever beautiful to me

For Nanay, the best Grandma one could ever have.